Some randomness

There was so much I wanted to write about during this pregnancy and it seemed like I had all the time in the world. Now here we are, ready to go any minute (although I guess technically I have 9 days but am praying it won't take that long...) and I never did touch on the following thoughts that I had floating around in my brain during the last 6 months:

1. Never Say Never - it is so easy to make judgements about other people's parenting skills and choices and there are so many things over the years that I've said I'll never do as a parent or that my child will never do - I'll never use one of those leash things, I'll never let my little boy wear his hair long so he looks like a girl, I'll never let my child go out in public covered in dirt/food/mess, etc. Well, I guess I'm about to find out how idealistic my ideas of parenthood are and what the reality will be...

2. Sacrifice - I have never appreciated my parents and everything they did (or didn't) do for me as much as I do now. Becoming a parent really changes your prospective on things. My mom and I have grown so much closer and I'm seeing a whole new side of her now that I'm about to be a mom myself. My son will have a much easier childhood in some ways because Mike and I are in a much better financial situation then my parents were and we are both about a decade older and wiser. He will have multiple sets of grandparents who are already spoiling him, and will probably not want for anything. Of course as a mother I don't want him to ever struggle or have to go without but I also think part of who Mike and I are comes from how hard we had to work on our own to get where we are today. We didn't have things handed to us and life wasn't always easy. We both learned to appreciate hard work and sacrifice and I hope we can instill some of that in our son.

3. Am I going to be a good mom? This is a big one. My whole life growing up all I wanted was to have a family. A decade ago I would have described myself as very maternal. But once I learned that it probably wasn't in the cards for me I mentally backed away from the idea of having kids of my own. It was a gradual, subconscious effort but I can see how my mind shifted and how I "accepted" that I wouldn't be a mother. Now I see it was more of a self preservation/protection thing than actual acceptance but either way it changed how I looked at children. And I got used to my life without them. Mike and I traveled, went out to fancy, expensive dinners whenever we wanted, and pretty much did and/or bought anything we wanted. In some ways it is good we had that freedom and got it out of our system but sometimes I question whether it is out of my system? I'm pretty selfish by nature and get a little freaked out thinking that every day of my life from now on will be dedicated to someone else's wants and needs, not my own. And this freaks me out. Will I be able to handle it? Will I resent him? Will I be able to be happy and content with my little family vs. my fabulous young and unattached life? I know it is normal for new parents to freak out and in some ways I've had many many years to live how I wanted at my own whims so it should be easy to move forward but it may also be even harder to give it all up. I don't know, I just really really hope I'm the best mother I can be to this little bean.

Well, I'm sure there's even more I want to say and I'll probably never get it all down but thats ok. I'm adapting to have a never ending To Do list these days! Off to the dr for our 39 week checkup, fingers crossed for news of progress and impending birth!!!