Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Sugar and spice and everything nice

So the "secret" is out - I'm knocked up again. I guess I don't need to call it that now that I'm married to the man who also happens to be the father of my other child but since this isn't something we planned or were overwhelmingly excited about upon finding out (like we were with RPM) I feel that the term fits my state of mind best.

Considering I spent a decade of my life believing I would never have children, finding out I was expecting Ryder was the most amazing and stressful thing I've ever experienced. My absolute joy at becoming a mother was tinged with fear that something would go wrong with a pregnancy that was never supposed to happen in the first place. Not only did I have an easy (don't let that fool you, parts of it still sucked!) pregnancy, but I had an easy and complication-free delivery and gave birth to a perfect and healthy little boy who has since become the love of my life.

After Ryder, the question "will you have more" was pretty standard and our answer was always "it may not be up to us but we hope one day to be able to give him a sibling". In our perfect plan we would have started trying next summer while on our honeymoon in Europe. Considering I had my bachelorette party after my wedding and we got married over a year after having our first child, I guess I should learn that planing is often futile and my life has a habit of not being conventional. We knew we were playing with fire by not using protection but I really dislike how my body responds to the artificial hormones in the pill and since I was sort of regular 2 months in a row (which is unusual for me) I thought we were in that brief "safe" zone and didn't insist on a condom.

So here I am, 9 weeks along and nurturing another little bean. I found out exactly 2 years to the day of the day when I found about Ryder and am due 2 years and 2 weeks to the day from Ryder's birthday. (Side note, Mike is not allowed to even look at me in August ever again) I've known for about 4 weeks now which is 3 weeks sooner than I knew the first time. I would venture to say part of that is because I actually knew what to look for, having done it once. And part of it is because I started feeling like absolute shit for no reason.

With Ryder I was tired and hungry and I was nauseous for aprox. 7 days. It was hard keeping the pregnancy a secret for the supposedly magic 12-14 weeks because we were so excited, but we did it. So far with this one I've been nauseous for the last 4 weeks, including actual puking and all around just feeling miserable. I'm sick from the minute I wake up until the minute I fall asleep at night which is roughly 10 minutes after putting the baby to bed. I don't sleep through the night and I have to force myself to eat. Granted, I actually feel some relief from the nausea for about 20min after I eat but I can't allow myself to just eat all day, I'd be enormous! Not to mention the constant burping and dry heaving that follows each meal is not ideal either. Keeping this one a secret has not been easy and I wouldn't say it is much of a secret, short of announcing it on Facebook. For how sick I've been, 95% of the people who do know say "it's probably a girl". They're probably right.

It is all I can do to get up every morning, get myself to work and function in some capacity for a full day, then pick up the baby, feed him, bathe him, and put him to bed before collapsing each night. I feel like a zombie. Luckily my boss's wife is pregnant so he is really sympathetic. Mike has been amazingly understanding as well, putting up with my lack of energy, and bare minimal house work. I have no clue what it will be like once this baby is actually here but I already know that the next 2 years are going to be pretty awful and exhausting.

Don't get me wrong. This baby may not have been planned but he/she is definitely wanted. As miserable as I am, I would be devistated if something were to happen or we were to find out there were any issues. I'm already looking forward to holding my newborn and savoring every minute now that I know how truly quickly they grow up. And I love the idea of Ryder having a sibling. But I'm still overwhelmed at the thought of being pregnant again and getting through that first miraculous, stressful, exhausting, demanding first year of life. I feel like I had just gotten my body back and was feeling somewhat normal again. I even had a little bit of a social life! Ryder is starting to be a lot more fun and a lot less work and life was pretty great. Now I can't even think past tomorrow, let alone plan to bring a new life into the world.

Whether Ryder gets the brother I want for him or the sister that Mike is hoping for, I know we will get through this and I look forward to our growing family. In the meantime I apologize in advance for being a misesrable, self-pitying zombie for the next few months.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

You gotta start somewhere

I think it is safe to say that every day I compose a blog in my head. They are typically on a variety of topics and of course I think they are quite witty and interesting and sometimes even profound. Yet somehow there is a gap between my head and actually sitting down to write them. Blame it on a lack of time and energy, or the fact that I truly only like writing/typing on a real keyboard and at home I only have a laptop and smart phone. Or maybe just that everything isn't as witty and interesting and profound as I think it is.

I would like to be better about keeping this blog. I wrote in a diary daily from age 9-17, kept a journal on in college and even wrote fairly regularly on my myspace page in my early-mid twenties. It is funny to me to look at the progression from totally private "for my eyes only" to semi - public where only people who know about my diary on diaryland actually read it to mostly public on myspace. (Of course, back then I had no real responsibilities and only worked 40 hours a week) Part of wanting to write is wanting others to share my thoughts and maybe even enjoy what I have to say. But part of it is still that little girl writing down her most secret wishes and dreams. I end up questioning some of what I compose in my head - do I really want to share this with the world? Is it too private? Is it too much information? Will anyone even read it or care? And then I psych myself out of sharing.

I find this argument amusing. So much of my life is already out there and public. I am on Facebook daily. I tweet. I have a LinkedIn profile. I write book reviews on Goodreads.  But I am extremely cautious about what I say and share on those sites. I carefully choose what I post while considering who will see it. I try to keep my political and religious views to myself. I don't share the majority of details about my husband and son and our lives. While part of me yearns to freely and publicly express myself a larger part of me instinctively wants to keep things close and private.

I enjoy the blogs of my friends and other more public figures that I read on a regular basis. I think, if they can do, so can I. And I quite enjoy the little Carrie Bradshaw voice in my head that narrates when I do write and I can party imagine I am someone glamorous and important who's words matter to other people.

So I add it to the list of things I want to do - learn to knit a sweater, run another 5k, floss more regularly, write more frequently. We'll see what I accomplish first...