Thursday, February 23, 2012


I've always been a worrier by nature - I've actually been diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. I worry about everything. I'm also a perfectionist, which apparently goes hand in hand with the anxiety, or so I've been told. So it goes without saying that getting pregnant has only added to my worries and increased my anxiety. There is so much to worry about!

On a global scale, I worry about the world that I'm about to bring a child into. War, poverty, sickness, hate, and chaos - with no real end in sight. As an idealistic child I used to think world peace, saving the rainforest, curing cancer, and saving endangered animals were all realistic goals. Now I know better; there is far too much money in oil, weapons, natural resources, and finding a cure for cancer to ever end the horrors. There will never be peace in the middle east - the religious issues run too deep. And democrats and republicans in this country will never agree on the issues. It's enough to make your head spin. Our economy is in the dumps, our schools are terrible, the cost of living keeps rising, and I could go on and on. It is depressing to think about! And don't get me started on the terrible things people do to children. Kidnapping, molestation, bullying... and he could grow up and start doing drugs or having sex early and get a disease or get a girl pregnant... or what if he suffers a horrible debilitating injury while playing sports? Seriously, my imagination just gets on a roll...

On a more personal level, there is the bean himself to worry about. What if he isn't healthy? There are so many illnesses and disorders out there... I think all mom's worry about this but I personally know multiple people who've given birth to "healthy" children only to find that they had serious issues and only survived a few days after being born. Or people who seemed fine until they got a little older and turned out to have serious issues. Even if they are healthy, there could still be problems. My brother almost died from menangitis. Or there is SIDS (I know someone who just lost a family member to this at 4 months...) I also work with someone who just lost his 43 year old daughter - this only made me realize that not only do I have to worry about 9 months of pregnancy and birth, but once he's here the worrying will never stop! Something could happen at any age and a parent is never free from the fear that something will happen to their child. Again, you could drive yourself crazy with all the "what ifs".

Then of course are all the other worries - can we afford this? Do we live near good schools? How will work and daycare work? Will I ever have a good body again? Mike and I were doing so wonderfully, will our relationship survive? Will we be good parents? It is almost a blessing that I work a million hours and have an iron deficiency or I'm sure I'd never sleep again with so much to think about!

I've had a few melt downs over all of the above and Mike has been nothing but supportive. He talks me down off the ledge and holds me while I cry. He has truly been my rock through this whole pregnancy in so many ways. You've really never seen a guy so excited about being a dad. In fact he hasn't been anything but happy about it the whole time. I would be all stressed out and he would tell me it would all be fine and that he couldn't wait for our son to be born. Sometimes I almost feel like he's unrealistic and that now I need to worry for the both of us!

The other day we were cuddling and I started teasing him because I saw he had a grey hair. I asked if I was stressing him out with all my worrying and he confessed that he was stressed out about the baby but didn't want me to know it. He worries about all the same things I do but he also worries about me and my health - he said he didn't know what he would do if something happened to me and he had to choose between me and the baby. He is worried about our son being healthy and he worries about being a good dad and a good provider. It was such a good conversation and it was almost a relief to me to know he does worry about things too. And of course it makes me love him that much more that he has been holding this all in so as not to upset me and so he can support me and make me feel better. He's been very selfless with this pregnancy and this just hammered it home.

We were in a great place in our relationship when we conceived this baby and we've only grown closer over the last few months. It's conversations like these that just prove he is an amazing man and I'm so lucky to share my life with him. Being able to be so open and honest with each other, being able to share our fears and concerns, and of course being there to support each other, has only made us a stronger couple. Just when I think I have him figured out he goes and says or does something to show me I still underestimate him; he is constantly surprising me and solidifying my belief that he will be a wonderful father and life partner. I don't know how I got so lucky but I vow never to take him for granted.


I've been a slacker about posting pictures lately - probably because I look enormous in them! I still have 12 weeks/10 lbs to go, lord help me!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

pregnancy randomness (updated 2/20/12)

Pregnancy is weird. My body has been hijacked and is doing strange and unusual things. Some things I knew about and some things I was totally unprepared for! Based on what I've heard and read, I've actually had a fairly mild pregnancy. Other than being tired I feel pretty good most of the time and am very grateful for that. My mom had a rough time with both her pregnancies and hated being pregnant. Based on the problems I've always had with my ovaries and what my doctors had told me about not being able to get pregnant, I fully expected to have a horrible and complicated pregnancy but (and not like I really have anything to compare to) I have to say it has been pretty easy. But that isn't to say it has been all rainbows and sunshine.

Heartburn: this is something totally new to me as I never get heartburn and I have to say it sucks. I read somewhere that chewing gum helps alleviate it and it does help but I'd rather not spend the next 3 months chewing gum. I'm hoping this is just from the tacos I ate yesterday and not something that will occur on a regular basis.

Bellybutton: I've seen the photos and read the warnings about belly buttons becoming extreme outies. This was something always sort of grossed me out but was accepted as a fact of pregnancy. Well, I seem to have the opposite issue. My innie has become a cavern. I had no idea my belly button was so deep or that it could become so wide. I can almost fit 2 fingers in there, it is creepy! Mike and I agree that it is better than becoming an outie but still, I hope is shrinks back to normal once the bean is born!

Boobs: my boobs are ridiculous. Pre-pregnancy I was a 34F and now I'm a 36G and growing. They've always been almost comically big but now they are just obscene. Somehow my big growing belly is not nearly as depressing as my huge giant boobs. I'm terrified to see how much bigger they'll get and can only imagine how awful it will be when my milk comes in. I'd like to breastfeed but I worry my boobs are going to be too big and smother the baby. I hope they too shrink back to normal once the bean is born. Or smaller than normal would be fine too.

Cravings: I haven't really had any cravings but food does taste different. And I find myself eating things I don't normally eat. Like pastries. I don't care for doughnuts, cupcakes, cake, or cookies and hardly ever eat them. I've probably had 6 doughnuts in the past month, more than I usually eat in a year. And there have been a lot of cakes and cupcakes around the office - where I normally would pass with a polite "no thanks", now I find myself savoring each bite like they were the best tasting food on earth. Today I bought a huge m&m chocolate chip cookie and loved every bite. I couldn't tell you the last time I went out of my way to eat a cookie. Again, I don't crave these things but when presented with them, they just look and taste so much more appealing than normal. I keep waiting for that "I've got to have ____ right now" feeling but instead I just find myself wanting to eat things that normally I would pass on.

Clumsiness: I have never been a huge klutz, although I have had my share of stupid, self-inflicted injuries. But ever since getting pregnant I am the worst butter-fingers ever! I break things in stores, I've dropped entire meals, and I can't seem to hold on to pens or pencils. I guess "the dropsies" are common in pregnancy since your ligments loosen up but I am not a fan. Especially since it is getting harder to bend over!

Pregnancy Brain: pretty evident considering I forgot to even put it in the original post! I am usually pretty manic with my brain going a million miles an hour, I'm a decent multi-tasker and pride myself on being organized and paying attention to detail. Except now my brain is a big ball of mush. I lose my train of thought, forget things constantly, will ask Mike a question and five minutes later ask him if I'd already asked the question. I've walked into my boss's office a few times and totally forgotten why I'd gone in there. And little details from various events of mine have fallen through the cracks. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I hate it. I know I'm not usually like this and forgetting things, especially little things, makes me feel like a crazy person. I'm really hoping this goes away but I have a feeling that it will not get better when the Bean is here and I'm totally sleep deprived.

Hair and Nails: My nails have grown like crazy and I can barely keep up with cutting them. They look awesome as I'm never able to grow my own nails out (hence the decade or so of acrylics) so I'm enjoying that particular change. But I'm losing my hair and now my eye lashes. My hair is coming out in handfuls and is noticeably thinner and now my eyelashes are falling out and looking farily stumpy compared to my normal nice long lashes. It has been deteremined that I am anemic and am now taking an iron suppliment which may help but the doctor said it could just be how my body is reacting to the new hormones. And of course now I have even more constipation to look forward to thanks to the iron.

I hate to jinx myself but I haven't had the insomnia, leg cramps, or back pain that the books and websites basically guarantee but I still have a whole trimester to go. I'm interested to see what new changes and interesting symptoms the next few months will hold. Whatever it is, I have to say, it is totally worth it. I am so excited to be pregnant with this little guy and can't wait to meet him!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

what's in a name?

Now that we know it's a boy the first question everyone asks is "do you have a name picked out?" The answer is yes, we have names picked out but no, we don't have the name picked out. Mike and I are coming at the whole name thing from two totally different points of view and are having a really hard time agreeing on something. I like traditional names and/or names that are passed down in the family; Mike likes unique names, names he thinks are "strong" and almost what I consider to be trendy, something I'm not into. It has become a very stressful thing for us, deciding on a name.

I think in some ways it is part of being girly that you pick out names for your future kids and I had some names that I've always loved or always imagined giving to my child. But it is a whole different ball game when a 2nd person becomes involved. It isn't just my child and it isn't just my opinion that counts. And with it being a boy I think the father ends up with more of an interest in what to name his son.

I have a fairly common name with an uncommon spelling and can't ever find anything personalized that has my name spelled right. People I've worked with for years can't even spell my name right (and even some of my family members)! I want my children to have nice normal names that will allow them to buy whatever souvenirs they want and that they won't have to constantly correct people on how to spell it. Mike has a very common name and there were always a dozen other Mikes so he wants something unique that will stand out in a crowd. I am named for 2 sides of my family and love the idea of passing down family names. Mike is named for a man that really has nothing to do with his life and does not have ties to any names that he wants to pass to his children (including his last name which he may be changing but that a whole other issue entirely) We have clearly conflicting ideologies.

We've looked at baby books and websites. We tried to go the traditional Irish route and as much as I love the idea, I didn't really love any of the names. I like Michael Patrick (for Mike and my dad) and he doesn't want to name our son Michael. He likes Broderick which to me is a last name and makes me think of Ferris Bueller. He picked out Brayden and I fell in love with Brayden Michael but then he decided he didn't like it because Brayd or Brady were unacceptable nicknames. He suggested names like Blaise, Bryson, and Mike Cole (which he says sounds like Michael when you say it fast and I don't know why you wouldn't just name him Michael if that's what you wanted it to sound like...) all of which I don't like. At all. Then he suggested Ryder and I'm kind of ok with it so we are toying with Ryder Patrick or Ryder Martin but I don't want to start really liking it in case he changes his mind again. And neither of us love it or think "yes, that is the ONE".

My Grandpa has thrown out some gems like "Bacteria", "Prime Meridian", and " Risotto" which are funny but not helpful at all since they are really just nouns. Everyone we talk to has suggestions and opinions. The whole thing is just really stressful. You have to consider nicknames, initials, will there be a million others with the same name? And he'll have this name his whole life, it's really important to pick a good one. Mike and I have even gotten into fights about it, like true, yelling at each other fights. We just want totally different things. I just keep hoping we'll stumble upon that perfect name, the one that just feels right for this little boy, the one I can imagine hearing when he is playing hockey or graduating college or putting on his business card. I feel like having a name picked out will help us bond with him even more before he is born. And it is really important to me that we both agree on the name, not just one of us giving in to the other. It needs to be a name we can both live with for our son. I'd like to think these are realistic expectations but the more time that passes and the closer we get to his birth, the more I wonder if I'm asking too much and should just go ahead and pick something, anything, so he has a name. I'm sure we'll have a few more fights over it and eventually we'll agree on something. Until then he will continue to be our little Bean.

Friday, February 10, 2012

So far, so good

Well, I have lots on my mind but haven't had the time or motivation to sit and write about it all so expect a longish post soon.

For now, I'm just wrapping up week 24 which means we are about to start the 3rd trimester. Exciting and scary! (Mostly exciting though)

Since I was a teen I was told I probably wouldn't get pregnant and if I ever did I'd get gestational diabetes. Well, guess who passed her glucose test - this girl! I got pregnant naturally and no diabetes, woohoo! Take that doctors! I am anemic though so I have to start taking a prescription iron supplement. I'm terrified it will constipate me worse then I already am but am looking forward to washing my hair without losing handfuls of it. And only a few months to go anyway. Overall I feel pretty good. Tired all the time, but good!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Getting there

We're past the halfway mark and just shy of viable. It is still so strange to think I'm growing a little person inside my belly. But just when I think I'm dreaming or that it can't possibly be real he gives me a good kick or two to remind me he's definitely in there!!!

Boobs are still bigger then belly...