tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85529049179203329722024-02-19T03:44:45.325-08:00This is all one big adventureAlikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-2348406913714650482014-05-12T11:01:00.001-07:002014-05-12T11:01:42.438-07:00RPM is (almost) 2!I've done a terrible job of keeping up with this blog but I can fill you in on the last few months pretty quickly - this pregnancy has totally sucked, my family is a mess, my Grandma is dying of cancer, and my husband is awesome but there are still times where I have felt totally and utterly alone in this journey. I think I've cried every single day of this entire pregnancy. However, I don't really want to dwell on these things too much, I'd rather focus on something positive. And while he is too young to remember this time and will probably never know the difference, I feel like Ryder has gotten a little lost in the shuffle of all this nonsense. He is my ray of sunshine, my heart walking around outside my body, my little miracle, my pride and joy, and whatever other mommy analogy/cliche you want to use. I have never loved another being as much as I love him or with the same intensity. I look at his perfect little face and think every day how lucky I am to be his mommy and just how amazing it is to create new life.<br />
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His first year of life was tough. I understand this to be true for pretty much all first time mommies but with all of the health issues we had from his early bought with RSV it was tougher than most (although I am thankful every single day that he is a healthy boy who got sick, not a sickly baby from the start). The sleepless nights were compounded by months of around the clock breathing treatments and multiple ear infections. Throw in the <i>awful</i> day when he was hospitalized for dehydration and sprinkle in some other colds, infections, etc. and he was sick pretty much constantly. Add in a job that has stupid crazy hours and throw in a husband who works nights and it is amazing I remember anything from those first 12 months. (Shout out to the grandmas who helped out more than I will ever be able to repay)<br />
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But something happened when he turned 1 - it was like a switch was thrown and life instantly became easier. Not that the health stuff didn't continue but it was everything else that got so much simpler. No more bottles. He could eat what we were eating for the most part. He started walking. He started being able to communicate with us. We could leave the house with a little diaper caddy instead of an entire luggage set and 3-5 pieces of baby gear. Daycare got cheaper. Not all at once but quickly enough that by the time he was 15 months or so I was loving life. I also had a lot of time off last summer so I got to spend a lot more time with him during waking hours and I fell more and more in love with him then I ever thought was possible. <br />
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That first year has some amazing milestones. First tooth, rolling over, sitting up, crawling, standing, first steps, eating solids, waving, clapping, smiling, first words. But this second year has been full of so much more and I've so enjoyed it, more than I ever thought possible. Watching his little brain work to make sense of the world, observing his problem solving skills, hearing his vocabulary develop and those first sentences where he is actually a thinking, talking little person who isn't just repeating the things you say... I could go on and on. I feel like every day I learn something from this little man and I see the world in a whole new way.<br />
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Now, I'm sure every parent suffers from the same biased perspective that their child is a genius, is very advanced, is the most amazing and hilarious and smart and cute child that ever existed. And I am no different. And I want to capture the amazing and hilarious and smart and cute things that he does right now, I never want to forget them. And knowing that any day now our family dynamic is about to be rocked I am terrified of missing out on more amazing and hilarious and smart and cute things. So I want to try to hold on to some of them here so that one day when I am sleep deprived, in desperate need of a shower and ready to tear my hair out because I have 2 boys in diapers, I can look back and remember just how special this time is right now.<br />
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Things I absolutely love about RPM as he turns 2:<br />
- the way he says Mommy and Daddy, like we are the most important people in his world and he loves us totally and unconditionally<br />
- he is a little bossy butt, always bossing around our kitty, his friends, even Mommy & Daddy when he can get away with it<br />
- the way he only needs to be shown something once to remember it or to make connections<br />
- the way he can legit count to 5 on his own and how he counts to 10 by 2s<br />
- the way he loves music and singing and will beg for songs over and over, the way his little face looks when he is singing a song he likes and how cute he is doing any applicable hand motions (Wheels on the Bus, Old McDonald, Itsy Bitsy Spider, I Am A Fine Musician, and If You're Happy and You Know it are current favorites)<br />
- the way he is obsessed with animals and the sounds they make, especially cows and lions. He has also mastered snorting like a pig after months of trying<br />
- the way he uses his imagination when he plays<br />
- how he is OCD about everything which also means he is a great helper when it comes to cleaning up<br />
- how much he loves his grandparents and GGs<br />
- how he still uses my hair as his security blanket when we cuddle before bedtime<br />
- how much he LOVES books and reading, we read a lot throughout the day and at bedtime but now I can hear him reading his favorite books to himself from the backseat of the car (favorites are Goodnight Gorilla, Very Hungry Caterpillar, Moo Baa La La, Go Dog Go, Hop on Pop)<br />
- how he asks for his favorite foods with an emphatic "PLEEZE" and a head nod. Actually, add in all the ways he has good manners - please, thank you, no thank you and excuse me<br />
- the spontaneous "Wuv You"s<br />
- the way he marches around with a purpose but will always stop to notice something new and wonderful in the world<br />
- the way we say goodbye to everything as a way to cope with leaving something/somewhere fun<br />
- his obsession with construction vehicles, all of which are "tractors" but vary by color; if there is a tractor to be seen anywhere around us this kid will find it<br />
- the way he knows all of his colors and likes to point out the different colored cars and tractors when we drive<br />
- the way he already loves hockey and loves to cheer "go Bolts!" no matter who is playing<br />
- the way he is fearless and only wants to do whatever the big kids are doing, especially at a park or playground. Screw the baby stuff<br />
- his giggle and his belly laugh<br />
- his willingness to try new foods but his stubbornness when it comes to his favorites <br />
- his spontaneous bear hugs<br />
- how he loves to wrestle and tackle and play rough with Daddy<br />
- his snuggles at night and requests to "rock Mommy, rock" in our rocking chair before bed every night<br />
- his smileAlikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-2588967933928625912014-02-01T19:03:00.002-08:002014-02-01T19:05:29.452-08:00The purple bedroomSo my world has slowly been imploding. That may seem dramatic, and I'll go ahead and say pregnancy hormones may be making things seem worse but truly it seems like things are falling apart on all sides. My family and my closest friends are all suffering and I can't help but take it to heart. Especially as I seem to be the rock for everyone. Which is fine, I a wouldn't want it any other way, I just wish it wasn't all at once.<br />
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So my family is coming apart at the seams. My grandparents are aging poorly and now feuding and my parents are in the beginning stages of a divorce. It has been going on for years but has really seemed to come to a head in the last 6 months. And I'm stuck in the middle of all of it.<br />
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My parents were high school sweethearts, forced into marriage at age 20 because they got pregnant with me. But through the years they've had their ups and downs and managed to see it through. I'm one of the few people I know who's parents were still together in a world full of broken homes and step-families. My parent's parents were best friends and we spent every holiday together. My mom's niece and nephew even call my dad's mom Grandma, despite no true relation, other than both families were always together. Fast forward to 2008 and all of us are now living in Florida - my parents are in the same development as my dad's mom and 6 miles down the road from my mom's parents. I'm 45 minutes south of them all. Needless to say, we spend a LOT of time together.<br />
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It started with my grandpa, who doesn't take care of himself to begin with and who barely survived colon cancer about 10 years ago. He started really going downhill in '08 and has gotten progressively worse. This in turn put a lot of stress on my grandma who has slowly but steadily been declining in both her physical and mental health. They are both in total denial about their conditions and how it has come to affect the rest of us. It has gotten worse each year and fallen on my mom to bear the brunt of the care taking, being right down the road. Her siblings all live in other states (or countries) and have made it clear that they think my mom is exaggerating or being a drama queen when she asks for their help. This has caused her a lot of stress and heartache which in turn affects her relationship with my dad. Add that last year my dad's mom was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer and underwent her own health ordeal and he and my mom are both drowning in caring for their aging and increasingly unhealthy parents.<br />
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Without going to crazy with the details I will just say that all of these issues have become a downward spiral leading to a full on melt down between all family members over this past summer, about 2 months before my wedding. The majority of is stems, in my opinion, from the fact that they all spend too much time together, they all see how the others are unhealthy but refuse to see their own dysfunction. Well, for several months my grandparents weren't speaking to each other and my mom wasn't talking to my dad's mom and my dad wasn't talking to my mom's parents. I will say that everyone involved had valid complaints but years of denial and passive aggressiveness led to a breaking point where I truly believe all relationships are beyond repair. My wedding in August was the first time everyone was in the same room together and I'll give them all credit for being on their best behavior but it was certainly strained and put a lot of extra stress on me on an already stressful day.<br />
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Since then, no one has really apologized or actually dealt with the real issues at hand but instead we all just smile and pretend things are okay when they really aren't. Birthdays and holidays have been extremely strained and unpleasant as a result. If it wasn't for my son and the fact that I know he brings joy to a group of chronically unhappy people, I would be avoiding everyone. Well, that and an extreme sense of guilt because I know that they all have limited time left and that I should really spend as much time with them as I can. But it is so hard to see how much they are all deteriorating.<br />
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All of this has really taken a toll on my parents. I will be the first to say that they both have their faults and that when I take both sides separately I can see validity in both arguments. But they have not dealt with these external stresses well and their own relationship has crumbled in front of me. It has come down to they are planning to get a divorce (to be honest, I'm not sure what they are waiting for at this point) and that they don't really speak to each other anymore and that every time I've tried to make any kind of plan that involves my family lately it has fallen apart and become more stress and work on my end than it is worth.<br />
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As much as I do not want to be in the middle or choose sides, I have been put in a position where I have to sometimes. I know better than anyone, thanks to my own divorce, that there are two sides to every story. And I know what each of my parents bring to the table in terms of their faults, weaknesses, and they way they deal with issues. I've tried to be there for each of them while maintaining impartiality and it is starting to be more than I think I'm capable of. In hearing both of their versions of what is going on I can't help but realize it is a pattern that I've been witnessing for years. They amazingly have the exact same complaints about each other. It is odd how much their versions mirror each other and yet, they can't both be right. Right? It reminds me of another situation with them, involving their purple master bedroom when they first moved to FL.<br />
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When they first came to Tampa they had a townhouse in which each room was painted a different color. There was a blue room, a green room, and the master was the purple room. All FL pastels. When they moved out my ex-husband and I lived there and then I left and my brother and his girlfriend lived there. I spent a good amount of my time "healing" from my divorce locked in that purple bedroom. My mom had mentioned that I could re-paint it if I wanted to because she never liked that color. She claimed that my dad had picked it out and she went along with it because she thought he liked it. Yet if you asked my dad, he would tell you that my mom picked it out because she always wanted a purple room and that he went along with it for her sake. So basically they both hated the color and thought the other one liked it. And rather than speak up they just went along with it to make the other person happy.<br />
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The more I hear of their complaints and reasons for moving towards a divorce, the more I realize that it is just like the purple bedroom. They think they are doing what the other one wants, that it isn't what they want but that they don't know how to make the other one happy. I have no idea how to bring this to their attention or how to point out what is clearly a pattern of non/miscommunication in their relationship. Only instead of an ugly room that could easily be re-painted, we are talking about a 37 year relationship that is about to get thrown away.<br />
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Despite being an adult and being mature enough to understand why a divorce may be the best option, it is in no way easier to be the child going through it. I feel torn between both of my parents, I feel pressure to be a good child, and unfortunately the burden of trying to split my time between the two falls on me. I'm coming to find the entire process to be traumatic, especially when trying to add the component of not letting it affect my own marriage.<br />
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Let's also throw in that my very best friend is going through the end of her own 14 year relationship after several years of dealing with her husband's addiction and abuse and another best friend is in the middle of her own life crisis (at the risk of sounding dramatic, her life really did fall apart over the summer and she is trying to put the pieces back together). Sprinkle on top that my dear cousin (he might as well be my big brother) is dealing the possibility that his wife is suffering from a fatal illness - only time will tell but it isn't looking good at the moment - and it has been nothing but doom, gloom, sadness and bad news for many months now.<br />
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My heart breaks for all of these people and I wish I could do something to help them. But at the same time I'm starting to feel guilty and angry because I feel like I can't enjoy my own life as a result. I am newly married to the love of my life, I fall more and more in love with our son every day (a smarter, cuter, more amazing little boy never existed, I swear!) and we are so excited for the upcoming birth of our second child (yeah, not even going into how physically miserable this pregnancy has been) that this should be the happiest time of my life! Even work is going really well with exciting things on the horizon for me. And I feel like I can't share my happiness with those closest to me because they are so embroiled in these terrible things. I feel guilty when I don't want to answer the phone because I know it will not be a happy conversation. I am emotionally exhausted. I know at the end of the day that these other problems aren't mine to fix but I can't help but feel like I need to at least try to be there to support the people I love the most during these awful times. Oh yeah, and pregnancy hormones.<br />
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Sorry for the short novel (I tried to keep it brief because believe me, I could write so much more in depth about what has been going on) but I really just needed to vent. The last month has by far been the worst and I have spent too much time crying lately. I thought maybe writing it all out would be cathartic in some way but it just makes me more sad thinking about everything. All I can do is try my best to enjoy the good days when they happen, add a little distance from my family when possible, and focus on keeping myself mentally healthy for the sake of my husband and our sons.Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-49633607290283036722013-12-06T08:01:00.002-08:002013-12-06T08:01:27.365-08:00An Ugly Pregnancy"It must be a girl". I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard this so far this pregnancy. Apparently because this one is so vastly different from the first it must be a girl. Since I am so sick it must be a girl. My doctor even went so far as to say that many women who are pregnant with girls have what are called "ugly pregnancies" because of the additional hormones - ugly because they are physically harder on the mother and they can wreak havoc with how we look. <br />
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My first pregnancy was pretty easy but this one has been pretty awful so far. I'm nauseous constantly, even throwing up sometimes, I've had wicked headaches, my hips and back already hurt, my skin is freaking out, I'm a new level of exhausted, and throw some constipation into the mix just to round it all out. I know these are all normal parts of pregnancy but I avoided most of them with Ryder and didn't have the rest until late in the 3rd trimester. Here I am at 14 weeks wondering how on earth I'm going to survive the next 6 months. I'm waiting for that magic 2nd trimester, the one where all of a sudden you are supposed to feel great and have ton of energy. Or if I can't feel good, I'd like to at least look presentable. I have psoriasis and it was pretty non-existent with Ryder. Now I have it all over the place, including my face which is somewhere that I typically don't get it. So not only are my knees and elbows flakier than usual but my scalp is practically peeling off my head and my face is all read and blotchy. The best part is the medicines are all steroid based and not recommended for use during pregnancy. Score.<br />
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I am so worn out, mentally and physically that I am starting to really resent this baby which of course only makes me feel worse about everything. I somehow manage to get through work every day (yup, those famous 65 hour weeks during the season) and collapse every night and most of the weekend. Mike ends up with most of the housework and Ryder watches a lot more movies than I am comfortable with but I feel too much like a zombie to really be able to do anything about it. My son eats healthy meals, gets naps, is bathed daily, has clean clothes and we read at least 3 books a night when I am home to put him to bed. But I know he would love to play outside or go to a park or have play dates and I honestly shut down just at the thought of trying to make any of that happen. I tell myself that he gets lots of stimulation and playtime at school and its okay to be lazy on the weekends but I don't 100% believe it. At least he gets unlimited cuddles on the couch or in mommy's bed pretty much on demand these days. Poor Mike must be wondering what happened to his wife. I can think of one true meal that I've cooked in the past few weeks and we've had sex once since finding out I was pregnant - it was terrible for me as I was trying not to throw up the whole time. He knew it was a pity lay so I doubt he really got much out of it either. On our nights off together I'm usually asleep by 9 or we are fighting about something (mostly how little I'm doing these days) so the honeymoon is most definitely over folks.<br />
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All of this leaves me feeling tremendously guilty. We really wanted to add to our family but weren't ready to do it just yet and part of me is not really happy about being pregnant again. It is really hard for me to say that because this baby is truly loved and wanted and we know it is another miracle since I wasn't even supposed to get pregnant in the first place. But I can't help feeling frustrated that In the last 2 years my body has only been my own for less than 6 months. Between pregnancy and breastfeeding I spent 18 months as slave to Ryder in some form or another and now I'm doing it all over again. I had just started feeling good again - working out again, fitting into my old clothes, sleeping normally, and actually wanting some sort of social life because I had some spare energy. The separation anxiety was under control and Ryder was finally healthy (although he still gets a daily breathing treatment, 14 months and counting) and I was at a point where I was missing my non-mommy friends and wanting to get out once in a while. Mike and I were planning our honeymoon and maybe buying a bigger house and I feel like it all just got derailed. <br />
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As I said, I have a hard time admitting these feelings because I know how lucky I am to be having another baby. I know the pain of thinking you are infertile and that it may never happen to you. I know the fear that once you are pregnant, that something could go terribly wrong because it wasn't supposed to happen in the first place. And I've mourned with friends who've experienced the tragedy of losing a pregnancy. So I tell myself that I should be grateful and excited and happy about this experience and make the best of it. Which only makes me feel worse.<br />
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I've started to wonder if maybe there are some hormonal things going on or if I'm not just plain old depressed because it can't be normal to be this unhappy. But that terrifies me too after my long and negative history with antidepressants. I guess I'm just not in a great place right now. My husband says I will get through it and that he loves and supports me. My mom says it is normal and that I should give myself a break - of course, this from someone who wasn't happy about either of her pregnancies, but still. My non-mommy friends don't get it at all. I really think that if I could just go a few days of getting sleep and not feeling physically ill I could get in a better place mentally. And I've learned that if (God forbid) I ever get cancer or some other terrible illness I will suck at it - I will not be one of those people who everyone says is so gracious and strong. I will be a big fat mess. <br />
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Boy or girl, (because plenty of people were miserable and sick and had boys, even the Duchess Kate!) I know that I will love this baby and that it will be a welcome addition to our family. I know all the pain and sickness and misery will be worth it. I just hope I can survive these next 6 months with dignity and grace and with my sanity in tact. Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-51916664297873283942013-11-07T09:38:00.001-08:002013-11-07T10:05:11.970-08:00Luck O' the Preggo?So I hate Oreos. I think they are disgusting. The cookie isn't sweet and the filling is too sweet and instead of combing the two for a perfect combination of sweetness you just get a disgusting crumbly mess. However, when I'm pregnant (and subsequently breast feeding) I can't get enough of them. Weird, I know.<br />
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So lately I've been so sick and nauseous that I haven't been up to eating much. But when I do eat, sweets tend to help settle my stomach so combine that with actual Oreo cravings and, well, you do the math. Since I still technically hate Oreos, I prefer to eat them in ice cream form. (FYI, TCBY sells a really good cookies and cream frozen yogurt that I get at Target. I might as well be somewhat health conscious if this habit is going to continue for the next 7+ months)<br />
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Last week I met my mom for lunch. I had a bagel and lox, also something I've been craving recently. It wasn't on the menu but they had all the ingredients in other dishes so I tried to politely be "that guy" and basically create my own custom item. To top it off I ordered a side of fruit but had to inform the server of my strawberry allergy, in essence cementing my status as super annoying picky customer. Since I'm not visibly pregnant yet I can't fall back on that as a plea for strangers to humor me. I felt bad but knew I was at least leaving a good tip. After lunch I ordered one scoop of cookies & cream ice cream. Well, our server brought me a huge bowl of it and said that he had accidentally brought me a smaller side of fruit than I should have had so he wasn't charging me for the ice cream. Yup, definitely got a good tip! And I guess I wasn't as bad as I thought as far as being annoying and high maintenance.<br />
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Last night I had to work an event at a McDonalds. I haven't eaten McDonalds since a certain pink goo chicken nugget picture surfaced during my last pregnancy, turning me off to fast food forever (not that I ate it all that regularly anyway. Also, In N Out Burger does not count). Well, being hungry and pregnant and still recovering from a poor fry experience on Saturday I decided to get some fries. Then I saw the Oreo McFlurry and decided I needed one of those too. The sweet awkward teenaged guy running the register asked if I was sure I didn't want some real food, like he was generally concerned for my health. So I sighed, figuring he was right and changed my order to the cheeseburger meal and no McFlurry. Then after paying I realized I forgot to say no onions on the cheeseburger and sheepishly asked if it was too late and apologized for having changed my order 3 times. When my order was ready they handed me not only an onion-free cheeseburger but also an Oreo McFlurry. The girl said she had already made it and could tell I really wanted it.<br />
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So twice in a week I scored free Oreo ice cream, both after I could have been considered an obnoxious customer and not deserving of free anything. I'm going to be huge if this streak continues! Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-79450874912897504092013-10-30T14:31:00.000-07:002013-10-30T14:31:05.510-07:00Sugar and spice and everything niceSo the "secret" is out - I'm knocked up again. I guess I don't need to call it that now that I'm married to the man who also happens to be the father of my other child but since this isn't something we planned or were overwhelmingly excited about upon finding out (like we were with RPM) I feel that the term fits my state of mind best.<br />
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Considering I spent a decade of my life believing I would never have children, finding out I was expecting Ryder was the most amazing and stressful thing I've ever experienced. My absolute joy at becoming a mother was tinged with fear that something would go wrong with a pregnancy that was never supposed to happen in the first place. Not only did I have an easy (don't let that fool you, parts of it still sucked!) pregnancy, but I had an easy and complication-free delivery and gave birth to a perfect and healthy little boy who has since become the love of my life.<br />
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After Ryder, the question "will you have more" was pretty standard and our answer was always "it may not be up to us but we hope one day to be able to give him a sibling". In our perfect plan we would have started trying next summer while on our honeymoon in Europe. Considering I had my bachelorette party after my wedding and we got married over a year after having our first child, I guess I should learn that planing is often futile and my life has a habit of not being conventional. We knew we were playing with fire by not using protection but I really dislike how my body responds to the artificial hormones in the pill and since I was sort of regular 2 months in a row (which is unusual for me) I thought we were in that brief "safe" zone and didn't insist on a condom.<br />
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So here I am, 9 weeks along and nurturing another little bean. I found out exactly 2 years to the day of the day when I found about Ryder and am due 2 years and 2 weeks to the day from Ryder's birthday. (Side note, Mike is not allowed to even look at me in August ever again) I've known for about 4 weeks now which is 3 weeks sooner than I knew the first time. I would venture to say part of that is because I actually knew what to look for, having done it once. And part of it is because I started feeling like absolute shit for no reason.<br />
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With Ryder I was tired and hungry and I was nauseous for aprox. 7 days. It was hard keeping the pregnancy a secret for the supposedly magic 12-14 weeks because we were so excited, but we did it. So far with this one I've been nauseous for the last 4 weeks, including actual puking and all around just feeling miserable. I'm sick from the minute I wake up until the minute I fall asleep at night which is roughly 10 minutes after putting the baby to bed. I don't sleep through the night and I have to force myself to eat. Granted, I actually feel some relief from the nausea for about 20min after I eat but I can't allow myself to just eat all day, I'd be enormous! Not to mention the constant burping and dry heaving that follows each meal is not ideal either. Keeping this one a secret has not been easy and I wouldn't say it is much of a secret, short of announcing it on Facebook. For how sick I've been, 95% of the people who do know say "it's probably a girl". They're probably right.<br />
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It is all I can do to get up every morning, get myself to work and function in some capacity for a full day, then pick up the baby, feed him, bathe him, and put him to bed before collapsing each night. I feel like a zombie. Luckily my boss's wife is pregnant so he is really sympathetic. Mike has been amazingly understanding as well, putting up with my lack of energy, and bare minimal house work. I have no clue what it will be like once this baby is actually here but I already know that the next 2 years are going to be pretty awful and exhausting.<br />
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Don't get me wrong. This baby may not have been planned but he/she is definitely wanted. As miserable as I am, I would be devistated if something were to happen or we were to find out there were any issues. I'm already looking forward to holding my newborn and savoring every minute now that I know how truly quickly they grow up. And I love the idea of Ryder having a sibling. But I'm still overwhelmed at the thought of being pregnant again and getting through that first miraculous, stressful, exhausting, demanding first year of life. I feel like I had just gotten my body back and was feeling somewhat normal again. I even had a little bit of a social life! Ryder is starting to be a lot more fun and a lot less work and life was pretty great. Now I can't even think past tomorrow, let alone plan to bring a new life into the world.<br />
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Whether Ryder gets the brother I want for him or the sister that Mike is hoping for, I know we will get through this and I look forward to our growing family. In the meantime I apologize in advance for being a misesrable, self-pitying zombie for the next few months. Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-88259251377779578852013-10-26T17:25:00.003-07:002013-10-26T17:25:44.238-07:00You gotta start somewhereI think it is safe to say that every day I compose a blog in my head. They are typically on a variety of topics and of course I think they are quite witty and interesting and sometimes even profound. Yet somehow there is a gap between my head and actually sitting down to write them. Blame it on a lack of time and energy, or the fact that I truly only like writing/typing on a real keyboard and at home I only have a laptop and smart phone. Or maybe just that everything isn't as witty and interesting and profound as I think it is. <br />
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I would like to be better about keeping this blog. I wrote in a diary daily from age 9-17, kept a journal on diaryland.com in college and even wrote fairly regularly on my myspace page in my early-mid twenties. It is funny to me to look at the progression from totally private "for my eyes only" to semi - public where only people who know about my diary on diaryland actually read it to mostly public on myspace. (Of course, back then I had no real responsibilities and only worked 40 hours a week) Part of wanting to write is wanting others to share my thoughts and maybe even enjoy what I have to say. But part of it is still that little girl writing down her most secret wishes and dreams. I end up questioning some of what I compose in my head - do I really want to share this with the world? Is it too private? Is it too much information? Will anyone even read it or care? And then I psych myself out of sharing.<br />
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I find this argument amusing. So much of my life is already out there and public. I am on Facebook daily. I tweet. I have a LinkedIn profile. I write book reviews on Goodreads. But I am extremely cautious about what I say and share on those sites. I carefully choose what I post while considering who will see it. I try to keep my political and religious views to myself. I don't share the majority of details about my husband and son and our lives. While part of me yearns to freely and publicly express myself a larger part of me instinctively wants to keep things close and private. <br />
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I enjoy the blogs of my friends and other more public figures that I read on a regular basis. I think, if they can do, so can I. And I quite enjoy the little Carrie Bradshaw voice in my head that narrates when I do write and I can party imagine I am someone glamorous and important who's words matter to other people. <br />
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So I add it to the list of things I want to do - learn to knit a
sweater, run another 5k, floss more regularly, write more frequently. We'll see what I accomplish first...Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-2292075405730095582013-05-25T14:42:00.002-07:002013-05-25T14:42:43.129-07:00Runner's HighSo it has been awhile since I've written anything. And I think feeling the need to explain why and apologize has kept me from returning sooner. I think I will save all of that for another day. Suffice it to say that I returned to work and the world only sort of fell apart - the last 8 months have been filled with a sick baby, a favorite relative battling cancer, a work stoppage, a crazy insanse condensed season, a sick baby, a sick baby, a sick baby, lots of stress and fighting, a sick baby, oh, and a sick baby. But Ryder just turned one and is currently not sick (I don't even know what to do with myself), Mike and I are still planning to get married (because we still love each other even after seeing the worst in each other during all the stress), I still love my job (most of the time) and life goes on. <br />
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Along those same lines, I am slowly re-gaining some sense of normalcy to my life and routine. Not breastfeeding any longer (I lasted 9 months and then my body rudely said it was done so that was that; also probably another blog) not working 70 hours weeks, and actually getting more than 3 hours of sleep at a time has given me somewhat of a predictable schedule, an increase in my energy level, and a small amount of free time. It's fantastic! I've started cooking again, catching up on reading (although I do feel like I'll never actually be caught up thanks to an ever-growing to-read list) and working out. <br />
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I've never been a fan of working out. I always played sports and loved it and at various stages in my life have had gym memberships that I've used sporadically. I've even tried exotic fitness classes and have a new appreciation for the athleticism of really good strippers - not the ones who just strut around and hump the ground but the ones who can really work the pole. During my divorce I started working out with a trainer religiously and got in really great shape - then I met Mike who loved me unconditionally and actually told me he preferred me curvy. My job also shifted at that point and working out fell off the prioroity list. Then a few years later I realized I was not happy with myself or my lifestyle and I wanted to get healthy in the event that Mike and I ever decided to get married (wanted to look good in pictures) and/or had kids (wanted to be a good role model and a MILF- hey, just being honest). I had also set a goal to run a 5k a long time ago and decided it was finally time to work towards that. So I got into a great routine of going to bootcamp 3 mornings a week at 7am, running 3 or 4 times a week, and taking yoga classes 2 times a week. I got into really great shape and got knocked up. We're pretty sure that I was able to get pregnant because I was in such great shape. But then I was so terrified to lose the baby (if you've read any of my earlier posts than you already know this) that I quit doing anything active. <br />
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Fast forward and here I am, at my pre-baby weight but still feeling and looking totally out of shape. My clothes fit, but not always in the most flattering way. I've taken the plunge and started going back to yoga and throwing in some intermittent cardio - I will run another 5k one day soon! Yoga is really frustrating because I love it and was so proud of how much I had progressed prior to becoming a drop-out. I feel like I'm starting over as a beginner again, re-teaching my body the proper form for poses and increasing my now non-existent flexibility. But I keep telling myself that I <em>was</em> a beginner at one point and that if I stick with it, I'll get back to where I was and hopefully surpass that. My instructor is really big on mantras and intentions and each practice we take time to center ourselves and focus on our intentions. The first week mine was just to make it through the whole class but lately is has been to continue to gain strength and flexibility. My mantra has been "my body is womanly, my body is beautiful, my body did what it was designed to do and I have an amazing baby boy". I just repeat that over and over and over while I'm trying to breathe rhythmically and keep my balance in half moon pose. <br />
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The running has come along much more slowly. Mostly because I don't actually like running. I'm a competitive person and I also like acheiving goals that I set for myself so running a 5k is more of a challenge than a hobby. Even though I was a bit of a track star in jr. high and high school, I was a sprinter and never one to really push myself. I guess it is sort of strange that I voluntarily spent so much time and energy focused on something that I don't enjoy. I've never felt that "runner's high" that you hear about and have always sort of suspected that is is something of a myth. I keep thinking one day I'll feel it and imagine that is will feel like the rush I used to get from being a daredevil (aka reckless idiot) in college or the natural high I used to feel at the begining stages of falling in love. So far I only end up feeling tired, sweaty, and totally out of breath. I do love shopping for cute workout clothes but I'm pretty sure that doesn't count. <br />
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Yesterday at work upper management posed the challenge to us to come run the stadium stairs. Our 3rd level is a 1/4 mile long all the way around and we have 23 sections of seating, each divided by a stairwell that goes from row A to row S or T in some sections. The goal was to show up at 7am and starting at section 301, run from row A to S/T and back down to row A for each set of stairs all the way around. Somehow I thought this sounded like a great idea - pretty sure that I was trying to impress upper management by being one of the few (only about 15 people) who accepted the challenge. Mostly I think I just wanted to see how far I could get. Well, I made it all the way around. I didn't run, I walked, and half-way around I started only going down to row G (there is a platform at row G that is the entry to each section from the concourse) but I did it. I showed up at 7, I got my butt moving, and I made it all the way around. And it sucked. I wanted to die by section 309. I was the last person to finish. And my legs didn't stop quivering for a good 3 hours after we were done. <br />
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But I did it. And you know what? I felt pretty great about it. I had a bounce in my step all day from knowing that I had put in a great workout before the day even started and that I had completed my challenge to myself. And I started remembering how much I loved that feeling after each bootcamp session and after each run. The sense of accomplishment and self-satisfaction, the appreciation for my body and what it is capable of, the pride when I look in the mirror and know that I look and feel better after each and every time I work out. And it dawned on me, maybe that is my own personal "high". I couldn't tell you if it was enorphins or just a mental feeling but either way, I finally recognized it. Maybe it isn't the true runner's high that marathon runners feel (and I'm pretty certain I will never know but I'm okay with that - those people are crazy!) but it was still a great feeling and one that I look forward to feeling more and more as I work back to a fit and healthy lifestyle. Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-41557331362388598932012-08-30T19:02:00.001-07:002012-08-30T19:02:44.638-07:00And so it comes to an endWow, it has been over 2 months since I've posted anything. They have been the fastest 2 months of my life. I have loved every single second that I have been home with my amazing darling little son and have been the happiest I've ever been in my life. But they were also 2 very hard months, emotionally, and I'm still struggling a little bit. Ok, a lot.<br />
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I spent all of June getting used to being a mom and it was frustrating, exhausting, hard work but it was also wonderful. I spent all of July depressed and stressed out and anxious about my job, going back to work, and leaving my little boy. I've spent most of August feeling the same way but it has definitely gotten better. I believe there were some post partum hormones contributing to my anxiety and stress as well as being put back on the pill. The pill also screwed up my milk supply so I quit taking it and can tell it made a difference. (Mike and I need to be careful since we're not using any form of birth control but that is a topic for another post) So I think my hormones have leveled out and I feel somewhat normal again. At least, I'm not crying every single day anymore although I still cry more than I ever have in my life. I'm pretty sure I spent all of July in tears. Sleep deprivation probably didn't help either; and not because of Ryder, he is a good little sleeper. I just couldn't turn off my brain and the worry and stress I was feeling.<br />
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Thanks to my amazing fiance (Yes, Mike proposed! Again, a topic for another post) and some dear friends I really feel better about my abilities as a mother, a partner, and soon to be a working mother. I hate the idea of someone else taking care of my son and getting to spend all day with him but we found a daycare we are happy with, and coincidentally one where one of Mike's cousins happens to work, so we feel pretty good about that. But I just can't see going back to my old job, for so many reasons. The biggest one being that I don't want to work 60/70 hour work weeks anymore. But I also am so unhappy with how much has changed over the last few months. I have a new boss who is clueless (not his fault), some of my favorite aspects of my job have been taken away from me, every time I turn around they have made another change or taken away another resource, and a lot of my favorite people no longer work there due to all of these changes. So I am less than excited to go back to work. I've been applying for jobs left and right the last few weeks and part of me really wants to make a change but part of me really wants to be wrong - I want to go back to work and find out things are better than ever and that I will still love my job as much as ever. But my gut tells me that that won't be the case.<br />
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I think I am just overwhelmed by so much change all at once. My job has changed completely after 5 years, having a baby, and getting engaged. It is a lot to process. And add to that some crazy raging hormones and the overwhelming love new mothers feel towards their babies and this whole going back to work thing is just a bit too much to take. I have always been career oriented and thrown myself 300% into every job I've ever had. This job was my dream job and it was my whole life, my whole identity. All of my relationships here in FL are a direct result of this job in one way or another. I never imagined a time where I wouldn't love my job and the life I had as a result of it but between everything changing with the organization, the people I work with, and my personal life, I just don't feel that passion anymore. I know in my heart that I'd rather make my son a priority and this job just isn't family friendly. I think I am having a hard time letting go of that; it feels like I'm letting go of my whole identity.<br />
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Mike is wonderful and says he'll support me no matter what I decide. I have some money saved up so we could live off what he makes but our life would drastically change. And I can see myself slipping into a routine of laziness without the structure of a job to go to everyday. I think eventually I'd get bored. I know daycare will provide enrichment and stimulation for RPM that will be good for his development. And I know I've been luck with the 3 bonus weeks off I got thanks to the RNC. But this is still agonizing for me and I am still not ready to leave my son every day.<br />
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So there it is - what I've wrestled with, what has consumed my every waking thought for the past two months. And I have 4 more blissful days at home before going back to I don't even know what. I am determined to make the best of them and to enjoy every single moment with my precious baby. I just wish I could stop crying.<br />
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<br />Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-62221743628344767912012-06-23T19:13:00.001-07:002012-06-28T10:44:57.088-07:00MILFI used to judge "frumpy" moms and think to myself "I will never be a frumpy mom". Now, I don't want to be one of those moms who is really cute but who is trying too hard and is not age appropriate but I do want to be put together. Hahahahahaha!!! Little did I know...<br />
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I like to think I'm pretty low maintenance to begin with. I do my hair and nails but wear minimal makeup (just eyes) and I'm not very trendy or stylish but I know what fits and looks good on my body. I keep it simple but I do enjoy good quality clothes and accessories. And of course cute shoes! Style sort of went out the window with pregnancy but I did my best to look decent. I couldn't wait to give birth so I could look normal again. And wear my cute shoes...<br />
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Well, I'm lucky to get a shower these days, let alone follow any sort of beauty routine. And my jeans & shorts don't fit yet and I have to wear tops that allow for easy nursing so my wardrobe is pretty limited. I also haven't managed to wear anything but flip flops. <br />
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It's almost impossible to have any kind of beauty routine right now - when I do get a shower it's a short one and the time I used to spend on lotions and makeup I now use for nursing pads, nipple cream, and panty liners (yup, still have lochia, that's fun...) my hair is now almost permanently in a ponytail. <br />
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My nails, however look fabulous! I normally can never grow my real nails and wore acrylics for years. But thanks to pregnancy & prenatal vitamins my nails are so long & strong that they look like acrylics. I love them! Sadly, my son is squirmy and I end up scratching him a lot so it's time to cut them off. I've taken some pictures to remember them by since I doubt they'll ever grow like this again. <br />
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My hair is also the longest it has ever been and despite the fact that Ryder loves grabbing onto it for dear life I refuse to give in and get a "mom cut". Nor that I have time to style it these days...<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj18jJjTH-6vTSWJg00bi25CrsDVVWpjt8Zu1nZ8LLXjyagdAw5Cv5qQUTLQotM80ZESk6sOU3TgClNdTlMTEGpTrw4N7lJZLbsUWzZFYS5B77nR0cGhX8dA5zkVggt7JjO41fz5D5BqE/s640/blogger-image-1685658279.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj18jJjTH-6vTSWJg00bi25CrsDVVWpjt8Zu1nZ8LLXjyagdAw5Cv5qQUTLQotM80ZESk6sOU3TgClNdTlMTEGpTrw4N7lJZLbsUWzZFYS5B77nR0cGhX8dA5zkVggt7JjO41fz5D5BqE/s640/blogger-image-1685658279.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFEoMSUN-k0DsoA7MwYGMYRRLLjXygDnV2FFYmEOCyeUU7o8sxS5BL8CmDk6opJ8mPk74N6MitTdZWJaY73u3nY3TYKllBt8V6U4jsPY8tVdmAU4IQkZmFb5S7HYFKaRdZCpkKY-bD39s/s640/blogger-image-1428020437.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFEoMSUN-k0DsoA7MwYGMYRRLLjXygDnV2FFYmEOCyeUU7o8sxS5BL8CmDk6opJ8mPk74N6MitTdZWJaY73u3nY3TYKllBt8V6U4jsPY8tVdmAU4IQkZmFb5S7HYFKaRdZCpkKY-bD39s/s640/blogger-image-1428020437.jpg" /></a></div>Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-14379562861677967302012-06-23T10:23:00.001-07:002012-06-23T10:36:15.480-07:00One new skill at a timeSo after a month of breastfeeding we've added pumping and cloth diapering to the arsenal. My goal was to have breastfeeding well established and a daily routine down by one month before adding anything new but the routine part is still a work in progress. I guess I'm batting .500 so I shouldn't feel too bad. <br />
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I started cloth diapering this past week and I think I like it. My only complaint is that when he's wet the cloth gets cold so if it is nighttime he won't stay asleep as long. Mike isn't a fan (he hasn't quite mastered it) and RPM doesn't seem to care either way so we'll see how long it lasts. <br />
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I also started pumping yesterday. I was a little intimidated by the pump and all the parts but I finally tackled it last night and it was actually very easy. I was able to get 2oz and Mike was able to feed Ryder for the first time. I think I've got a plan for pumping moving forward but if motherhood has taught me nothing, it is that my plans may be great in theory but may go to shit in practice so we'll have to see how it goes.<br />
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Next on the list - getting back to the gym/working out. Now that Mike can feed RPM I will try to go in the mornings when he gets off work. Easier said than done considering that is usually the only time I get to sleep for more than an hour at a time. I guess adding a bedtime for Ryder to the list should really cone first...<br />
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I continue to live by my new mantra - one day at a time...<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFgzfe-bkzo53RFnOih65gS2FD7z5JvQIfyX4nMH21Gd9pUX1my3yiuicuYg4rkXpx_ij1T39bT-OcW57tJjbgarXv5W7TJQtm5BRsHdUsnNOe_JYC-0M3YUKnVdUQHlAel9o1FqOYrIo/s640/blogger-image--75309955.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFgzfe-bkzo53RFnOih65gS2FD7z5JvQIfyX4nMH21Gd9pUX1my3yiuicuYg4rkXpx_ij1T39bT-OcW57tJjbgarXv5W7TJQtm5BRsHdUsnNOe_JYC-0M3YUKnVdUQHlAel9o1FqOYrIo/s640/blogger-image--75309955.jpg" /></a></div>Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-70507697186017743682012-06-21T20:44:00.000-07:002012-06-23T10:17:39.455-07:00The great debateWhew! The last 2 weeks have been rough ones. Ryder must have hit a growth spurt right in between weeks 3 and 4 because he was eating practically every hour on the hour. We sort of mellowed into a routine but then he got circumcised on Friday and it all went to shit.<br />
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He did really well with the circumcision - it seemed to only hurt for about 18 hours and then he was just kind of fidgety for a day and back to normal by Sunday. (I was in tears the whole time though, I think it may have been rougher on me than him!) However, he ate every hour on Friday and Saturday and didn't want to be put down so as a result I did not get any sleep for almost 3 days. Not to mention how hard it was to hear him crying from pain. He has a few distinct cries and I hope to never hear that one again (wishful thinking, I know). Every time he would start screaming I would burst into tears, it was horrible. And I dealt with it all alone since Mike slept during both days and worked both nights. He came home late on Saturday morning after his Friday night shift and I could have killed him! He normally gets home around 4:30am but didn't get home until almost 7am that day. He felt bad but I was livid. I was up all day and night with our poor little boy after his procedure and desperately needed a break and some sleep but because he was late I didn't get that until Sunday and I was not a nice person to be around. He made it up to me and all 3 of us obviously survived the weekend but it was not fun. So glad that is behind us!<br />
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Part of what made that whole weekend so hard is we are not using a pacifier. This is something Mike and I have fought about since about the minute we found out we were pregnant. He is totally against them and while I do think some parents abuse them, I think they can be necessary and definitely serve a purpose. We've fought about using one many times, including most of last week. Mike thinks they are a crutch for parents and that they teach the baby bad habits, encourage oral fixations (which he thinks leads to over eating and smoking) and can mess up their teeth and speech development. All of these things can be true but I think only if the parents let them happen. I believe (and am backed up by research) that babies have an innate need to suck and that the pacifier can provide comfort for them. I think the parents need to use them sparingly and wean the child off of them early but that they can still be effective and helpful to both the baby and the parents. I agreed to try not to use one but always maintained that it might be necessary one day. Everything I read said not to introduce one until the baby was a month old and breastfeeding was well established so those were my benchmarks. For the most part Ryder rarely needs one but there were a few times, and especially during the growth spurt and the circumcision recovery, when he needed one. Both of our families kept asking why we weren't using one but I backed up Mike's decision not to use one, even though I felt Ryder needed it. I finally got Mike to agree to discuss it with our pediatrician at RPM's 1 month appointment.<br />
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I am with Ryder 85% of the time since Mike works nights and sleeps during the day. He comes home and takes Ryder for a few hours so I can sleep (although there is usually a feeding or two during that time so I don't get a complete break) before he goes to bed. Then he gets up and cleans the house, cooks dinner, etc. before going to work. Typically he is awake to help me with the baby about 4 or 5 hours a day. The rest of the time it is all me. All day. All evening. All night. And since we are exclusively breastfeeding, I handle every meal. I like to think this qualifies me to know what my baby needs. And sometimes, not often, but sometimes he needs a pacifier. He is usually a very good baby, super alert and only fusses when he has a reason - wet/poopy diaper or needs to eat or burp. But each evening he would get fussy and end up using me as his pacifier. We'd go all day with a good pattern of eating every 2-3 hours and then at night he'd go to every hour or so and most of the time he wasn't eating, just wanting my boob in his mouth. I was starting to feel chained to the couch and very frustrated. There have a been a couple of times where he was really gassy and was pretty inconsolable (unconsolable?). And then there was the circumcision recovery. Unfortunately, Mike was not around for most of this. If Ryder is fussy around Mike he usually hands him to me and says "I think he needs to eat, he's trying to suck". Even if I knew he didn't need to eat I'd end up giving in and sitting there with him on my boob just to calm him down. I'd try to tell Mike he wasn't eating but it would just lead to another fight so most of the time I'd just sit there feeling angry and frustrated.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, Mike is an AMAZING dad. He is super hands on and Ryder just loves his daddy. Mike wants so badly to be a good dad and tries so hard to only/always do what is "right" and "best". I really admire him and am thankful for him. But this pacifier thing was starting to really strain us. We spoke with the pediatrician today (I love our pediatrician btw) and she was fairly neutral but she did back me up and she explained to Mike that if we did use one, we were in control and that it wouldn't cause all the problems he worried about if we didn't let it. After we left I told Mike that I had supported him for this past month but that moving forward, since I was alone with the baby most of the time, that if I felt he needed a pacifier I was going to use one; he needs to trust that I wouldn't abuse it or use it just to "shut him up" but that I would be thinking of my own sanity and for the comfort of our infant son. He said he would support me with this moving foward.<br />
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Today was a really good day with Ryder. He was happy during the times he was awake and back to eating every 2 hours. But after eating at 7:45 for 30min and again at 8:45 for 20min he was very fussy and after 30min of him crying (and me making sure he had a clean diaper and knowing he did not need to eat again so soon) I finally decided to try the pacifier. He took it with no problems and instantly settled down; he was asleep in my arms within minutes, happily sucking away making those cute contented baby sighs. He has been sleeping peacefully for the last 2 hours and even spit it out after about 20 minutes. I was able to actually get stuff done and am as calm and peaceful as my sweet baby boy.<br />
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I have to say, I am proud of myself for supporting Mike for so long because I feel like it proved to him that I really value his opinion and parenting skills but I also feel bad that I deprived my son of something that obviously comforts and soothes him, especially during the trauma of recovering from his circumcision. I think I also deprived myself in a way because I think he and I could have had more of a schedule down by now and I'd have a little bit of my life back. But that is all behind us and now we can move forward. It is really too bad babies don't come with instruction manuals and we have to figure this all out for ourselves. I can see how relationships and marriages can suffer when kids are born if both parents aren't on the same page about things. I can also see how kids can suffer when parents don't care enough to try to work through their differences (or don't care about doing what is right/best for their child but that is another topic for another day...)<br />
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On a side note, we started cloth diapering and while I love the idea of it, I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. It definitely takes longer to complete a diaper change and this may seem stupid but I hate how bulky it makes his cute little butt. I'm already sad he is growing out of his newborn clothes and with the cloth diapers now they definitely don't fit. (I know, I know, that is a dumb thing to be upset about). Ryder doesn't really seem to care either way so we'll see how long it lasts. Sometime in the next few days I will attempt to start pumping but after the last 10 days, I'm not sure I'm mentally ready to tackle anything else new. Wish me luck!Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-62297630166709215702012-06-14T07:50:00.001-07:002012-06-14T16:41:44.895-07:00ABCs of RPMRyder is 3 1/2 weeks old and time is just flying by! Here are some current highlights (yeah, we're going to go with highlights, even the negative ones)<br />
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Adorable - I have the cutest son EVER. I might be a little biased but he is seriously cute and I am totally in love with him<br />
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Breast feeding - see previous blog. Still having a hard time with this one and apparently it will suck even worse during the 6 week growth spurt but then will get better. So they say...<br />
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Circumcision - poor little guy gets his tomorrow. We didn't do it in the hospital because the pediatrician says his foreskin was too tight and we are seeing a pediatric urologist. I wish it was done already. I cry thinking about him being in pain that we purposely caused.<br />
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Daddy - Mike is seriously the best daddy ever. He is so involved and I can tell he and Ryder have a special bond already. It still brings tears to my eyes watching my love interact with our son and it is not the hormones!<br />
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Episiotomy - yup, the doctor had to cut me. For some reason I was more scared of this than any other aspect of childbirth; I was terrified of tearing or needing to be cut and even begged the doctor not to do it. But it really wasn't that bad. It wasn't pleasant but I was numb for the first few days and then mostly just sore for about 10 days. And now I'm all healed and practically good as new. <br />
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Fluids - poop, pee, puke, blood (me), we are still dealing with it all on a daily basis. Diaper changes are like little mini obstacle courses/races against the clock - gotta get him cleaned up and a new diaper on (and on securely so it doesn't leak) before he poops and/or pees again. Usually we "win" but when we lose it can get ugly! Apparently this only gets worse with boys. Fun times!<br />
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Growth spurt - I swear we are in the middle of a growth spurt. This child nurses for a half hour every hour to 90 minutes. We had been going 2 1/2 to 3 hours between feedings but not anymore. Plus now he spits up and is fussy at night and the boob is the only thing that settles him down.<br />
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H - my current cup size. I spent a small fortune on nursing bras (I was able to find 3 that fit) because I have to shop at Nordstrom. Ryder and Daddy both love my boobs so I guess I shouldn't complain but an H is just unnecessary if you ask me.<br />
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Innie - RPM has a perfect little innie belly button. His dad has a cute little outie which I think looks pretty sexy with his six pack, but I'm happy with how Ryder healed. My innie, on the other hand, may never be the same. It never "popped" during pregnancy, it just seemed to get wider & deeper. I used to joke that Mike could have had sex with it if he wanted. Let's hope it goes back to normal!<br />
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Judgmental - I find in some ways I am less judgmental of other parents now that I am one but in other ways I'm even more judgmental now than I was. I have very definite & strong opinions about how children should be raised. Luckily my friends are all great parents who I very much admire and respect so they are safe from my judgement. <br />
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Kung Fu Panda 2 - I've seen this move every day, or at least every other day, for the last 2 weeks. I've also seen Toy Story 3, Tangled, How to Tame Your Dragon, and the last 2 Harry Potter movies at least daily. I watch a lot of movies and TV these days since I am chained to the couch<br />
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Love - I never imagined how much I would love my son and love being a mommy or how much more I would love Mike. It overwhelms me sometimes. I've loved people before but never in that fairy tale/happy ending/country love song kind of way and it is new for me to be such an emotional and sappy person but I actually kind of like. I am so in love with the 2 men in my life!!!<br />
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Marriage - the burning question is when are we going to get married. And we are. Mike is saving for a ring; it is very important to him to do it the "right" way (which is debatable since we did just have a child) and we both want a real wedding, not a courthouse wedding, so it will be a while. But it is definitely in the works and I look forward to the day when I can say I'm married to my best friend and the love of my life.<br />
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Name change - it's official, Mike's last name is now Martin. We had the court date Tuesday. Now we can get his name put on the birth certificate (don't get me started on this... in FL they won't put the father's name on the birth certificate if you aren't married so right now it says Father: unkown which <i>infuriates</i> me. There is a form we have to fill out to have him added so now that the last name will match the one we gave our son we can get this taken care of)<br />
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One day at at time - this is my mantra. This is also new for me. I am a planner, I organize and plan things for a living and I'm good at it because it is my nature to be that way. I keep 3 calendars and make lists and have thins scheduled and planned weeks and months in advance. That is all out the window now. I don't even plan for the next day until today is almost over. Hell, I can barely plan meals or to take a shower! I have a really hard time with this one but we're making the best of it. I'm sure this is the topic of a future blog post<br />
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Pacifier - the debate rages on. Mike and I have fought about this since we found out we were pregnant. He is strictly against them and I think they have a purpose if used properly (not just as a mute button but during times when he is truly distressed or at night when he just wants to sleep with my boob in his mouth for hours). Mike thinks that pacifiers are evil and that by "allowing" one we are showing RPM that we are "giving in" to him. I think that is ridiculous and that a newborn has natural needs, one of which is sucking, and that he is too little to understand anything other than his needs being met. This argument causes me lots of anguish but luckily Ryder is a good baby and there have only really been 3 times where I would have even given him a pacifier, if we were using them. We are going to talk to our pediatrician about this.<br />
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Questions - I have a million questions about this mommy/baby thing, with new ones every day. I'm so grateful for my mom, my friends who are great mommies, and the internet. Our pediatrician is also wonderful but I know I can't call her 35 times a day. Too bad kids don't come with instruction manuels<br />
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Routine - try as I might, I am unable to establish a routine. Some days I think we're getting there and then the next day it all goes to shit. I guess we have a little bit of a routine - RPM is happy and awake and alert in the mornings so we play and cuddle. We also go to bed around midnight and he lets me sleep a good 3-4 hours. Then Mike gets home and plays with him until his next feedings. But the rest of the day is a crap shoot and the evenings are where it all really falls apart. Oh well, we'll get there one of these days. Until then, refer to the letter O.<br />
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Sex - I miss having sex with Mike. A lot. It has been 7 months since we've had normal sex. We had sex a dozen or so times during the pregnancy but it was always doggy style in the shower. I'm ready for some spontaneous sex, some love making, some true bonding with Mike. But we still have to wait about 3 weeks. And I'm so uncomfortable in my body right now that who knows when it will happen. Between my milky boobs and my stretch marks and that fun post-baby pouch I feel less than attractive. I worry Mike doesn't see me sexually anymore - between my pregnant body, watching our son be born, helping wrestle my boobs into his mouth to feed him, and my post-baby body, I just can't imagine him finding me attractive. He says he does so maybe it is all in my head. I guess we'll find out in a few weeks.<br />
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Tummy time - my son is super strong. He has been holding his up since birth and he is super alert and aware. During tummy time I swear he is getting ready to crawl away! He rocks forward onto his arms and his little legs are going a mile a minute. Again, I'm probably biased but I think he is really strong for his age and wouldn't be surprised if he rolled over, crawled, and walked early. He was super active in the womb and spends a lot of the day awake, moving his arms and legs so I know he'll be a super active toddler and child. Hopefully I can keep up!<br />
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Unproductive - This is a mental war I wage with myself every single day. My to-do list is a mile long and keeps growing but I get nothing done on a daily basis. The first week I could barely move from giving birth and the last two weeks I've been stuck on the couch due to my son's voracious appetite and lately him just wanting to be held. Each morning I think "I'll try to accomplish A, B, and C (or sometimes just A!) today" but inevitably I'm lucky just to get meal and bathroom breaks. A shower is a major accomplishment. I have a really really hard time with this and I had a mini breakdown a few days ago over it. But again, I refer back to letter O...<br />
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Vaccines - I wasn't sure how I felt about vaccines and considered the delayed schedule but after talking to our pediatrician we've decided to go with the recommended schedule. Living in Tampa we have a lot of immigrants and who knows what they've been exposed to. We are very close to Disney and Tampa itself is a bit of a tourist spot so we are exposed to millions of people from all over the country and the world on a regular basis and again, who knows what they've been exposed to. Not to mention I work in a building that holds 20,000 people on a nightly basis (at least 200 nights per year) and hockey attracts fans from all over the country and the world. Measles broke out just a few months ago. Better to be safe than sorry so our little guy will get all the shots, starting with his first ones next week. I don't know what upsets me more - thinking of him getting shots and being in pain or knowing he will be a month old already!<br />
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Weight loss - 10lbs to go to pre-baby weight and 15 to 20 lbs to go to goal weight. I'm excited to get back to the gym and I even signed up for a 5k in December to keep me motivated. I know my body has changed so I don't know what to expect but I'm excited to get back into a pattern of working out. Of course, we need to establish a daily routine first and I refer you back to letters O, R, and U.<br />
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Xhausted - I was pregnant for 9 months, working crazy hours the whole time (including being in labor my last 2 days of work), gave birth, and have a 3 week old baby who nurses constantly. I don't think I need to say much more about this one.<br />
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Yellow seedy poop - somehow we've become obsessed with Ryder's pooping. He's pretty good at it too. He poops about 8 times a day and you can hear it every time he does. It's quite explosive! We've gotten pretty good at recognizing the signs and it cracks us up to see his little face go all calm and then to hear that explosion. Which ever one of us changes him announces to the other the color, consistency, and amount of poop. We'll even announce when we think he is or we know he has just pooped. I never imagined caring so much about poop. I have quite the champion little pooper!<br />
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Z - GGZ, GGKate, Grandma Beth, Grandma Jane, Grandma June - This kid has more grandmas and great grandmas! He has 2 grandpas and GG Jack too. (I think it is so cute that the great grandparents have dubbed themselves the GGs). He also has tons of aunties - only one of which is an actual blood relation - scattered all over this country. Ryder is one <i>very</i> loved little boy<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4ZOzcI6rchRwPU0YvhggQnrBmClDDIZQj2qHHCtKbhlcBELycEF9f5_7kSiROU3LAdV43yk6jr2zuft-wCRN10qHyZnwFCyUdvQ876tAx2qYHQN5qwf4T9RlSya_8YJN7du23wmIirBw/s640/blogger-image--627553024.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4ZOzcI6rchRwPU0YvhggQnrBmClDDIZQj2qHHCtKbhlcBELycEF9f5_7kSiROU3LAdV43yk6jr2zuft-wCRN10qHyZnwFCyUdvQ876tAx2qYHQN5qwf4T9RlSya_8YJN7du23wmIirBw/s640/blogger-image--627553024.jpg" /></a></div>Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-14716539104209643122012-06-08T12:55:00.000-07:002012-06-08T12:55:18.000-07:00Breast feeding is one big adventure...It was important to Mike and me to try breastfeeding but I wasn't sure I would be able to. The PCOS can make it so your milk doesn't come in and my boobs are so huge I wasn't sure my son would latch. Well, once again this little boy proved the doctors wrong! My milk came in perfectly and Ryder eats like a champ. But it is still a daily struggle. Something so natural and essential to the survival of a species should not be this much work!<br />
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In the hospital we could only get him to latch to the right boob; he wasn't interested in the left one at all. And getting him to latch took 2 people - I just didn't have enough hands to hold him, support his head, and maneuver the boob into his mouth. Once he did latch, he would only eat for about 5 minutes at a time and sometimes he would go 4 hours without eating. Like most new moms, I of course freaked out but the nurses and lactation consultants were great and very encouraging. They said he was normal, it was a learning curve for mom and baby, and that they were confident we would both get the hang of it.<br />
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Once we got him home, it was more of the same - I needed a 3rd and 4th hand to help get him latched on and at one point Mike and I were cracking up because it looked like we were playing Twister because we were all tangled up on the couch wrestling the boob into RPM's mouth. He still would only take the right boob and the best position was if I was laying down. I could not imagine going through this 8-12 times a day for the next 3-6 months! Despite how huge my boobs are, my nipples aren't that big and it seemed like he couldn't tell when my nipple was in his mouth so he wouldn't start sucking without a LOT of help from us. Lucky for us Nichole suggested a nipple shield and it made all the difference in the world - and was probably the difference between us continuing to breast feed and going to bottles. The shield made it to where he could feel the nipple in his mouth and latched right away. He even took the left boob (finally!) and started eating for longer stretches of time. My milk came in after that and for a day (and thank God only for 1 day!) my boobs looked like footballs sticking off my chest. They settled down after the first day and are still huge but not quite as cartoonish.<br />
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So after that getting him to eat wasn't quite as hard. He still only really ate well if I was laying down and it took over a week for the us to have any success using the boppy. Now I try really hard only to feed him laying down at night or if he is particularly fussy and I want him to sleep. Otherwise we use the boppy. He still doesn't do well if I'm just holding him unless I can get into a position where my boob is basically falling into his mouth which makes feeding out in public kind of awkward. After a week we started keeping a log of when he ate, for how long, etc., trying to establish a pattern/routine/schedule. Some days we do really well and some days it all goes to shit. We tried to get him to eat every 3 hours but realistically it is every 2.5. But then there will be stretches of cluster feedings where it is every hour. The other night he ate every hour on the hour for 5 hours straight - all I did was nurse and change diapers until we both just passed out.<br />
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Ryder is a really good baby. He only cries when something is wrong and tends not to be fussy. I can pretty much tell when he is hungry and when he needs to poop. Every now and then he'll cry because his tummy is upset and I can usually pinpoint what it is I ate that is bothering him; call it mother's intuition or just the fact that I'm usually just as gassy as him. We are trying really hard not to use a pacifier and mostly don't need one but there are those times when he is crying at night and I think he can't possibly still be hungry but the boob is the only thing that settles him down. I don't know if he really is that hungry or if he is using me as a pacifier. His dr. is happy with his growth and weight gain so I guess there is no harm in feeding him as much as he wants but it really frustrates me because I end up spending hours on the couch or in the bed feeding him and doing nothing else. (We have every single movie channel offered and I think I've seen every movie at least 5 times now)<br />
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Surprisingly, I do enjoy breastfeeding. For so long (since jr. high) I've been "the girl with the big boobs" and for stretches of time I've felt like that was all anyone saw me as or the only thing I had to offer. I've struggled through phases of showing them off, covering them up, loving them, hating them, and feeling like I was just a giant walking pair of breasts. It is refreshing to me (and something of a relief) that they are serving the true purpose they were intended for, feeding my child. I take pride in the fact that I'm successfully nourishing my son. I love the bonding that occurs when RPM is eating. I love seeing his little eyes looking up at me, I love watching his little cheeks while he is drinking, I love holding him in my arms, and I love when he throws his little arms around my boobs like he is hugging them. I love the little faces he makes after he is done eating, that "dairy drunk" look is so adorable! And I love when he falls asleep on my chest, totally content with his little life. I also love the hormone release that makes me feel peaceful and drowsy right along with him.<br />
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The problem is, I love all of this 4 or 5 times a day. The other 4 or 5 times I am just frustrated and annoyed and impatient because it means I'm not eating or using the bathroom or cleaning or accomplishing anything. Some days I feel like all I do is feed this kid while Mike does everything else. Or I will set a goal, like "after this feeding he'll fall asleep and I can get up and do laundry/take a shower/eat lunch/clean the kitchen/finish thank you cards/go to the gym/etc. and by the time he is done I am either wiped out or he won't sleep and just wants to be held and then a whole day has gone by and I've managed none of the things I wanted to do. I'm lucky to get a bathroom break. So I try really hard to lie there with him and just enjoy the experience while I can (I know he won't be this little forever or I won't have the luxury to lay around all day for long) and I get very upset with myself for feeling so annoyed and impatient with him and I end up cranky and exhausted. The whole process wears me out!<br />
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The other thing that bothers me is feeding him when we're out in public. If I'm visiting family or friends it isn't so bad but if we're at the store or mall or running errands there are no good places to nurse. The first time we were at the mall and Ryder needed to eat we went to a restroom at a dept. store, thinking it would be nicer than the regular mall bathrooms. And it was. Sort of. It was still a restroom so I felt kind of gross just sitting there. And listening to people <i>go</i> to the bathroom and flush disgusted me. I just kept thinking "I don't eat in a bathroom, why should my son have to?" and the longer we were in there (which was a while because invariable he pooped right as I finally got him latched which also took forever since we could do any of the nice comfy positions that make it easy to feed him) the more upset I got. I vowed never to feed him in a public bathroom again if I could help it but that just makes it even more impossible to get up off the couch and have a life while breastfeeding because now I have to think about any place I want to go and how long we'd be there (which is always longer than you think with a baby...) and will I be able to nurse him? So even on days where I get more than a 40min break between feedings (not counting burping and diaper changes) I'm nervous to try going anywhere. Which of course just leads to more frustration. Ugh!!!<br />
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I know I'm not the only woman to go through this. And I know that I'm doing what is best for my son. I also know I'm lucky to have a partner who supports breastfeeding and is willing to pick up my slack everywhere else in our lives. But I can totally see why women would give up and switch to formula. Trust me, I've been tempted! And I'm totally stressed out about pumping which we were going to try once Ryder is a month old. I even had an anxiety dream last night about trying to figure out how to use the pump! We're just taking this one day at a time, and when I lay there early in the morning snuggling my little boy while he eats I remind myself why we're doing this.<br />
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Next month we'll tackle cloth diapers....<br />
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(this is my enormous boob and my tiny son)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1fpJLTDfQhxobUNiajSAbXwLDt-yIZbyRDfO2wOsZX0cdO97APfXVdTHPmlUbMxrl7_Ndn7T9bc2Uy0EOyWKf7aBU4z_ZyoCzT_rmgM0MLNMNMZunYXZYAh5drTXixi4m34hhGEonPQQ/s640/blogger-image--1384637105.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1fpJLTDfQhxobUNiajSAbXwLDt-yIZbyRDfO2wOsZX0cdO97APfXVdTHPmlUbMxrl7_Ndn7T9bc2Uy0EOyWKf7aBU4z_ZyoCzT_rmgM0MLNMNMZunYXZYAh5drTXixi4m34hhGEonPQQ/s640/blogger-image--1384637105.jpg" /></a></div>Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-46741274980628034622012-05-31T17:52:00.006-07:002012-05-31T17:52:59.671-07:0010 days7 to 10 days - pretty standard expression. It seems like everything happens in 7-10 days: shipping, billing, etc. And I gave birth 10 days ago (well, 11 now, it was 10 yesterday when I <i>wanted</i> to write this blog...) My son is 10 days old, he'll be starting high school next week and college in a month or so, I swear!<br />
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To mark the milestone his umbilical stump fell off. At first I thought "wow, that was quick" but then I did the math and realized it happened right when it was supposed to - 7-10 days after birth. And then I realized he was 10 days old already! So much has happened in that 10 days, it blows my mind.<br />
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One one hand, giving birth is sort of commonplace; my body was designed to do it and women do it all the time. In fact, they've been doing it for our entire existence, in far more primitive and dangerous conditions than I can even imagine. Women do it every day, all over the world, at all ages and despite heavier odds than I had to overcome. On the other hand, when you really stop to think about it, giving birth is pretty amazing. I grew a human, inside my body, and then pushed him out! I find this to be pretty miraculous, even if it did happen exactly how it was supposed to. I still can't even believe that I survived 9 months of pregnancy and gave birth to this precious little boy. I swear I just found out I was pregnant and yet here I am, 10 days post delivery already.<br />
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Looking back now I can say I had a very easy pregnancy (physically) and probably didn't take it as easy as I should have but I survived it and managed to grow a perfect little boy. And then to think about the process of actually giving birth, I still can't believe I did it. In some ways I still think of myself in the terms of never being able to have children, even though I have this little baby in my arms. When you spend over a decade believing something, it is hard to adjust your thinking. I <i>know</i> I was pregnant, I <i>know</i> I gave birth, I <i>know</i> I have a son, but it still seems like it was all a dream. I have to say it really feels like a dream during those 3am feedings!<br />
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I've learned a lot in the last 10 days. I've learned that my body can do incredible things. I've learned that a good chunk of my life and conversations now revolve around poop. I've learned that there really is no point in putting a shirt some days. I've learned that making plans for the day is kind of pointless because it all depends on Ryder. I've learned that I love Mike and Ryder more than I ever thought possible - to the point where I break down in tears when Mike leaves for work because I can't bear to be separated from him (hopefully this is just hormones and doesn't last because the tears are really getting old). I've learned that I adore being a mommy to this little boy.<br />
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10 days down, the rest of our lives to go...Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-45522803426489410402012-05-29T09:49:00.000-07:002012-05-29T09:50:05.556-07:00Week 1Well, exactly a week ago yesterday we were still in the hospital, waiting to bring our little man home. I can't believe a whole week has gone by already, and it has been such a blur! I'd like to think we've adjusted nicely but I know it is a little premature to say that since it has only been a week. I've also had a lot of help this week so I'm a little nervous about life moving forward (more about that later). I really wanted to record every single day this week because I want to remember everything but it didn't really work out so I'll try to remember what I can.<br />
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Coming home from the hospital was not very organized. My Dr checked on me around 7am and the pediatrician checked on Ryder around 9am and we took the discharge class at 10am so we thought we were good to go. I wanted to feed him one more time with the lactation consultant just to make sure Ryder and I were doing well so we were planning to head home around 3. Well, that didn't work out. We had to get his hearing test and wait for the birth certificate lady and do our discharge paperwork and it was 7pm by the time we were actually leaving. Mike and I hadn't eaten since breakfast because we kept thinking we were going to leave and I didn't want to pay for another crappy hospital meal so we were both tired and hungry and cranky. Right as we got to the car Ryder pooped everywhere and the backseat was full of all of our stuff so I had to sit in the front instead of in back with him and it was a very tense ride home (luckily we only live 10min from the hospital). I was a little nervous about leaving the hospital so soon too, wondering if we should have stayed a day longer. But even though walking into our house was a little crazy - needing to change the baby, the cat freaked out about the baby, Nichole was here waiting, we were starving and tired and Mike's mom was on her way over unexpectedly, I knew instantly that we'd made the right choice to come home. We ordered pizza, got the baby cleaned up (he promptly peed on us when we changed him) and settled in to a relaxing night. Taking a shower and laying in my own bed felt amazing and Ryder let me get almost 5 hours of sleep.<br />
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The next day is a blur. We took Ryder to the pediatrician at 9 (clean bill of health for our little guy!) I was really sore and couldn't sit properly or move very well so I was basically confined to the couch. I don't even really remember much about that first day except trying to get Ryder to breastfeed was a bit of a challenge. Wednesday was rough too... again all I did was lay on the couch, feeding and looking at my baby. I kept thinking about all the things I needed/wanted to do but I was so sore and and I was really loving just bonding with my son. It was hard for me to accept that it was okay to lay around and do nothing but tend to Ryder, that that was what I was supposed to be doing. Nichole kept telling me my job was to just get to know my baby and Mike was so supportive, he took care of all the cleaning and organizing around the house, making it baby ready. I just had a hard time with the concept that it was okay to lay around. Being a mom is quite the adjustment! Thursday my grandparents came over and brought us a bunch of food and met their new great grandson. My grandmas are really cute, they are good friends and hang out together all the time and have decided to call themselves the "GGs", for great grandmas. I love it! Ryder was really fussy all day and didn't nurse well and I thought it was from the distraction of everyone at first. Turns out he had tummy trouble thanks to the fiber cereal I was eating (I was still terrified of pooping at this point) and I was up all night with him, poor little guy. He was crying (well, more like screaming) in pain and I was crying because I felt like it was my fault, like I had hurt my baby. We survived the night and Friday I ventured out to the grocery store with Nichole. It was very strange being out in public and away from my baby and I was still pretty sore so it wasn't the most enjoyable outing but it did feel good to be productive in some way. Saturday Mike's mom came over to see the baby and yesterday my parents spent the day with us, cooking us food for the week and bonding with their grandson. It was the first day I could sit normally and I even did my hair for the first time all week, so I felt somewhat human again. Last night we had Ryder's newborn pictures taken, or at least attempted to. He wasn't a big fan of all the outfit changes and was quite fussy. I think he had some gas as well. Hopefully we got some cute shots!<br />
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Yesterday I actually wore my own underwear (instead of the mesh panties from the hospital) and a bra (which barely fits but what can you do) for the first time since giving birth. I didn't take any pain medicine either (it was pointed out to me that I must be pretty tough since I gave birth and have only been taking alleve for pain). Mike and I ventured out with Ryder to get a new camera and some baby supplies and it was really nice being out as a family. It felt weird pushing his stroller, like we were two kids playing house. But Ryder did really well and we survived a few hours out of the house. I have to say, kudos to Buy Buy Baby for having a changing/feeding room, we ended up taking full advantage of it! I was pretty sore at the end of the day, probably from walking around for a the few hours we were out, sitting straight for the first time all week, and not taking my pain meds but overall I feel pretty good; at least closer to normal than I have felt in months. My feet were even their normal size again and my rings fit, yay!<br />
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The days are flying by and I just want them to slow down so I can enjoy my little angel. I don't want him to get bigger yet, I love him so much right now. I love how little he is, I love watching him sleep, I love his little noises and the little faces he makes. I love being home and not on a schedule. I am just totally head over heels in love! He is a really good baby too, he only cries when something is wrong and stops as soon as we fix whatever it is. I'm sure every parent thinks this, but I think I really have a perfect little boy!<br />
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There have been some challenges too though. The first few days after giving birth my whole body hurt. even my skin felt tender to the touch, like I was one big bruise from head to toe. I hated how jiggly and gross my body was too, it seemed like everything was loose and flabby and I wondered if I'd ever get my old body back. It is better now, things have tightened up and I know I've lost a lot of weight but I have a ways to go before I'm back to pre-baby form. I did end up with stretch marks, despite using the creams and oils every day, so I'm a little unhappy about that but whatever. There are worse things in life. My boobs are enormous so I'm sure they'll be saggy when I'm done breastfeeding. But I don't feel quite so ugly and tired looking as I was a few days ago.<br />
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Breastfeeding was a challenge too. You'd think something so natural and necessary for survival would be a lot easier. That could be a whole blog by itself so I'll save that one for later.<br />
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My biggest challenge has been the "baby blues". I'm not sad or depressed, but I'm really really weepy. I cry 2 or 3 times a day. Mostly when I think about how much I love my son and Mike. I've also been really really anxious about Mike going back to work; like panic attack anxious. I'm so terrified that something will happen to him, it is completely irrational but I break down in tears everytime I think about it. It is tough too because I know it is a panic attack/hormones, but I can't take anything because I'm breastfeeding so I get all worked up and it sucks. Mike has been so wonderful and understanding but he ends up laughing at me because it is so ridiculous. I'd have to say I'll take the soreness and exhaustion and everything else if I could just not be so weepy and anxious. I have my dr. apt Monday so if it is still happening I will talk to them about it.<br />
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So that is my first week as a mommy in a nutshell. I'd have to say that overall I couldn't be happier with my family or more in love with the men in my life. I'm one lucky girl!<br />
<br />Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-14787034110247724782012-05-25T10:54:00.001-07:002012-05-25T10:54:25.609-07:00The debutHe's here! Mr Ryder Patrick Martin decided to join us at 6:36am on Sunday, May 20th and he is just perfect! Mike and I are so smitten with our little man and still can't believe he is here.<br />
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My original due date was May 26th and we had an induction scheduled for Monday, May 28th. I was originally going to work until Friday, May 25th but I was feeling so crappy and tired and my feet and legs were so swollen that I decided to leave a week early so Friday, May 18th was my last day. On Thursday I was feeling "off", I had woken up at 2am and couldn't get back to sleep so I took the day off of work and just took it easy. We had a dr. apt. that afternoon and she took one look at me and scheduled the induction for as close to our due date as possible. I was only 1cm dilated and 50% effaced and she said he really could come at any time, I was "ripe". She said my tailbone had moved and I had plenty of room to deliver vaginally. All that day I was having a lot of gas pains and my hips were just aching. Mike stayed home from work to be with me and we went out to dinner but I couldn't sit for very long so we came home. I'm thinking now that it was the beginning of labor and I just didn't know.<br />
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Friday was my last day of work and I still wasn't feeling great but went in to finish as much as I could, knowing it was my last day. My coworkers really surprised me with all their good wishes and kind words and how many people made an effort to come see me and wish me well. I ended up working until 6:30 and was exhausted when I got home. I was still having gas pains and hip pains and Mike was good at trying to make me comfortable. I took a hot bath and took the night easy. I had a little to-do list for the coming week while waited for our little guy, just some odds and ends I needed to take care of before he came but nothing urgent. One of my best friends was coming out from AZ to spend the week with me leading up to the birth so I had little things for us to do each day. I was really excited for the down time before our big arrival.<br />
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Saturday I was up super early again and still not feeling great. I went to see a friend's son's hockey game at 11:30 and went to lunch with them afterwards. After that I wandered around the mall for a few hours, picked up an outfit to come home from the hospital in and just sort of walked around - my pains weren't so bad as long as I was moving; sitting and/or laying down were really uncomfortable. I got home that evening and cuddled with Mike; we took a shower and joked about having sex to induce but ended up not doing it. My hips were really bad and the gas pains were worse so he just massaged me and helped me try to get comfortable. He left for work at 7:30 and by 8pm I realized that my "gas pains" were coming and going and feeling more like menstrual cramps. I had also started spotting and was feeling really nauseous. I wondered if I was having contractions so I gave myself an hour to see if they went away or got worse. I did my hair, ran a load of baby laundry, packed my hospital bag and Ryder's diaper bag (you know, just in case) and then realized that I was definitely having contractions. I couldn't sit or lay down, I had to stay up and moving. I called Mike at work but he didn't answer so I called my mom and said "I think I'm in labor" - it seemed so surreal to be saying those words. I wasn't really sure but I knew something was happening so I decided to go to the hospital just to get checked out. My mom didn't want me driving so I called Mike again and he rushed home. We got to the hospital at 10pm and my contractions were every 4 minutes at that point. I knew something was going on but still wasn't sure it was labor. They brought us upstairs and the nurse checked us in. I told her I was 1cm on Thurs and she said they'd probably send us home if I still wasn't dilated. I sort of knew it and was totally prepared to head home even though my contractions were getting more and more intense. Well, she checked me and we were 4cm and she told us "you're having a baby!"<br />
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So of course there was a flurry of activity, calling parents and letting everyone know I was in labor. The contractions were getting really intense but I was still set on no drugs. The nurses looked at me like I was crazy and were trying to talk me into getting the epidural - not in a pushy way but in a "hey, it's here for you for a reason and no one will care if you get it" kind of way. I was still determined to stick it out but it was getting tougher. The dr. came and checked me around midnight and I was 7cm so he broke my water. It was such a crazy feeling and I looked and felt like I'd instantly lost half my pregnant belly. But the pain just got worse after that. Finally around 1am I couldn't take it anymore and asked for the epidural. I even started throwing up because the pain was so bad. I am SO glad I did, what a miracle drug! I was able to rest and visit with Mike's mom for a bit. I gave Mike his "daddy to be" present - a Bulova watch, and my mom her "grandma to be" present, a pandora bracelet. I even took a short little nap. At 4am I was 10cm dilated and by 4:40 we were pushing. I pushed for 2 hours, it was exhausting! It was hard to because I couldn't really feel what I was doing. My contractions had really slowed down so I couldn't push as frequently or know exactly when I was going to contract so it seemed to take forever. Mike and my mom and dad were in the room and they were so great; Mike helped me with my legs because I couldn't feel them and my parents gave lots of encouragement and helped watch for contractions. Finally around 6am the dr. came in (along with about 12 other people) and within 1/2 hour our little miracle was born. He did have to cut me but Ryder came much quicker after that. I can't even explain what it felt like to finally give birth, I couldn't feel a lot, just pressure, but there was a definite sort of "pop" feeling when he was actually born and I was so aware that he was out. I immediately burst into tears, tears of joy and relief and exhaustion.<br />
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Pretty soon everyone was crying, my mom, Mike, me, everyone but Ryder. He had a great apgar score (9.9) but he just didn't want to cry. He was very alert and very calm, he didn't even cry when he got his shot. He had swallowed some fluid so they wanted him to cry to get it up but he just didn't want to. It seemed like forever while the dr. stitched me up and the nurses got him cleaned and measured and weighed and finally put him in my arms. Mike and I were so overwhelmed, we just couldn't stop staring at our beautiful little miracle. He was so perfect - not wrinkled or smushed at all. He had a head full of blond hair and dark dark blue eyes (I think they will be brown) and just the most precious little face. He didn't look anything like I expected but he was so beautiful. It was definitely love at first sight.<br />
<br />
We were very lucky to have awesome nurses the entire time (other than 1 that Mike really hated) and we felt like we were the only people in the whole hospital, everyone was so attentive and helpful and it seemed like everyone really fell in love with Ryder. He was such a mellow baby. Breast feeding was a challenge and I worked with the lactation specialist twice. Ryder wanted nothing to do with the left boob, only the right one and he would only eat for about 5 minutes at a time. We had to wake him up to make him eat but everyone kept assuring us he was doing great and it was normal and he'd pick it up in time. My epidural didn't wear off right away and my entire left leg was completely numb so I wasn't very mobile. I wasn't in too much pain but it was hard to move around and the most annoying thing to me was the IV in my hand, they wouldn't take it out and I could barely move that hand so holding Ryder was tough and breastfeeding was harder - I constantly needed extra hands to help. Nothing like having other people trying to smush your boob into an infants mouth. (On that note, nothing like giving birth to kill any sense of modesty. By the end I didn't even care that my dad was there seeing everything. I just wanted that kid out!)<br />
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That first day is still a bit of a blur but I vividly remember how much I loved laying in bed with my son in my arms, skin to skin. He had such a beautiful little face and such big alert eyes looking up at me. He makes the cutest little faces and noises, I was totally head over heels in love with him.<br />
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I have so much more to say, I want to remember every moment of the experience and his first few days but then this will be a very very long post. Now that we're getting the hang of having him and his schedule I'll be able to hopefully catch up more. I am just so smitten and want to remember everything - I know he won't stay little like this forever.<br />
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I still can't believe he is here...Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-70422929823646043492012-05-18T04:30:00.001-07:002012-05-18T04:31:30.002-07:0039 weeksFeeling pretty miserable these days. Yesterday I was up at 2am and only managed a 2 hour nap. My legs and feet are grotesquely swollen and look like they belong on someone else's body. I spend about 1/2 hour to 45 min in the bathroom every morning - thank goodness for stool softener!!! I truly don't understand those shows about women who didn't know they were pregnant - I call bullshit! Your body changes and goes through WAY too much to not know something is up! <br />
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Dr apt went well - due to my size and the swelling we started induction paperwork so if he doesn't come on his own then they will induce me on May 25th. I was so happy I could have cried! The end is in sight! My cervix is ripe (though not dialated yet) and my tailbone has moved and dr says I have plenty of room to deliver vaginally. They are doing a 2 part induction which only has a 20% chance of needing a c section so we're pretty happy over all. One more week! Plus, I work better with deadlines so now I have motivation to finish up that To Do list. <br />
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Well, time to head in to my last day of work. I'm so ready for this!<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9WkoC_gYdFMq8sf-8p1ZPSCRC_qBiW8GO0v98irpPJ78AdXfOlIZUErHcP39mjlQ-1T_mh_wUPJ_eBTMxqpFKmkXu0rdNCjVQNXwYfiy_vL4YKtNK1MpHgZg2ZwuVhSkOD9Dfr0NxG7g/s640/blogger-image--576222701.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9WkoC_gYdFMq8sf-8p1ZPSCRC_qBiW8GO0v98irpPJ78AdXfOlIZUErHcP39mjlQ-1T_mh_wUPJ_eBTMxqpFKmkXu0rdNCjVQNXwYfiy_vL4YKtNK1MpHgZg2ZwuVhSkOD9Dfr0NxG7g/s640/blogger-image--576222701.jpg" /></a></div>Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-72176445223210372082012-05-17T10:13:00.000-07:002012-05-17T10:16:25.444-07:00Some randomnessThere was so much I wanted to write about during this pregnancy and it seemed like I had all the time in the world. Now here we are, ready to go any minute (although I guess technically I have 9 days but am praying it won't take that long...) and I never did touch on the following thoughts that I had floating around in my brain during the last 6 months:<br />
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1. Never Say Never - it is so easy to make judgements about other people's parenting skills and choices and there are so many things over the years that I've said I'll never do as a parent or that my child will never do - I'll never use one of those leash things, I'll never let my little boy wear his hair long so he looks like a girl, I'll never let my child go out in public covered in dirt/food/mess, etc. Well, I guess I'm about to find out how idealistic my ideas of parenthood are and what the reality will be...<br />
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2. Sacrifice - I have never appreciated my parents and everything they did (or didn't) do for me as much as I do now. Becoming a parent really changes your prospective on things. My mom and I have grown so much closer and I'm seeing a whole new side of her now that I'm about to be a mom myself. My son will have a much easier childhood in some ways because Mike and I are in a much better financial situation then my parents were and we are both about a decade older and wiser. He will have multiple sets of grandparents who are already spoiling him, and will probably not want for anything. Of course as a mother I don't want him to ever struggle or have to go without but I also think part of who Mike and I are comes from how hard we had to work on our own to get where we are today. We didn't have things handed to us and life wasn't always easy. We both learned to appreciate hard work and sacrifice and I hope we can instill some of that in our son.<br />
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3. Am I going to be a good mom? This is a big one. My whole life growing up all I wanted was to have a family. A decade ago I would have described myself as very maternal. But once I learned that it probably wasn't in the cards for me I mentally backed away from the idea of having kids of my own. It was a gradual, subconscious effort but I can see how my mind shifted and how I "accepted" that I wouldn't be a mother. Now I see it was more of a self preservation/protection thing than actual acceptance but either way it changed how I looked at children. And I got used to my life without them. Mike and I traveled, went out to fancy, expensive dinners whenever we wanted, and pretty much did and/or bought anything we wanted. In some ways it is good we had that freedom and got it out of our system but sometimes I question whether it is out of my system? I'm pretty selfish by nature and get a little freaked out thinking that every day of my life from now on will be dedicated to someone else's wants and needs, not my own. And this freaks me out. Will I be able to handle it? Will I resent him? Will I be able to be happy and content with my little family vs. my fabulous young and unattached life? I know it is normal for new parents to freak out and in some ways I've had many many years to live how I wanted at my own whims so it should be easy to move forward but it may also be even harder to give it all up. I don't know, I just really really hope I'm the best mother I can be to this little bean. <br />
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Well, I'm sure there's even more I want to say and I'll probably never get it all down but thats ok. I'm adapting to have a never ending To Do list these days! Off to the dr for our 39 week checkup, fingers crossed for news of progress and impending birth!!!Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-35200699543609160192012-05-12T20:56:00.001-07:002012-05-12T20:56:50.533-07:0038 weeksThe Bean is still nestled firmly in my womb and while I'd love to have him out I'm also happy for a little more time to finish up work and get totally (as much as we can anyway) ready for him.<br />
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Dr. apt yesterday was another uneventful one: weight staying steady, blood pressure low (100/70) and his heartbeat is staying strong at 140. I was 1cm dialated but 50% effaced so it really could be any day now. <br />
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Other than being constipated and having extremely swollen legs & feet, I feel pretty good. I've actually been getting at least one 4 hour stretch of sleep per night, no heartburn, no leg cramps, and the achey joints aren't getting worse. Mike & I both have had some freakout moments but we talk each other through it and are truly happy and excited to meet our little boy. <br />
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So this is my last week of work to get through and then it's time to sit back and wait for my newest little love to be born. RPM is almost here!!!Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-18651088401086020552012-05-05T06:33:00.001-07:002012-05-05T06:33:53.895-07:00Full term!We made it to 37 weeks, woohoo!!! Boring but good dr apt yesterday:<br />
BP: 118/70 (high for me but still low)<br />
Blood count normal<br />
Negative for strep B<br />
Ryder's heart rate 142<br />
Weight gain 30lbs (lots of it fluid, have you seen my calves/ankles/feet?)<br />
Dialated "barely a fingertip"<br />
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So baby and mommy are healthy and just plowing along...Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-33275609302228894732012-05-03T14:45:00.001-07:002012-05-03T14:45:46.816-07:00Fat little feetJust in case I forget...<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRi0Ga-q5vnsWXs02zLbBbM-JLuKldIlV8UTI24iY2bxumFm_sdoLMMnC7Uf7JzAIJLSVZvnSAjI8LAsv2PEm4yeTNWDwuH5qEApsUmXyoW32WJ7TJltURPb4iT2p3YE0NbO5PuxXCR7I/s640/blogger-image--590413487.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRi0Ga-q5vnsWXs02zLbBbM-JLuKldIlV8UTI24iY2bxumFm_sdoLMMnC7Uf7JzAIJLSVZvnSAjI8LAsv2PEm4yeTNWDwuH5qEApsUmXyoW32WJ7TJltURPb4iT2p3YE0NbO5PuxXCR7I/s640/blogger-image--590413487.jpg" /></a></div>Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-31434106706895128212012-05-02T08:57:00.000-07:002012-05-02T08:57:30.292-07:00So In LoveSo I've done a lot of complaining on this blog and could do a whole lot more; I've hit that point where I'm basically miserable - I can't sleep, everything hurts, I weigh a ton so moving is very difficult, and don't forget the lovely hormones! I'm a cranky beast these days. So I'm doing my best to remind myself that I'm very lucky to be able to experience pregnancy and that it isn't all horrible. Here are some things I love about being pregnant:<br />
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I love feeling my son move. I love knowing he is in there, growing big and strong and that I'll get to meet him soon. I can share some of it with Mike (who just loves feeling him move and talking to him and kissing my belly, all of which are more things I love) but for now he is all mine. Our relationship is very intimate and as much as I hate being awake all hours of the night, there is some enjoyment in laying in bed in the dark feeling him move and being able to tell him how much he is wanted and loved and know it is just the two of us for now. <br />
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I love finally playing the pregnancy card (sort of). One of the things that drives me the most nuts about being pregnant is my loss of independance. I've become reliant on people to help me more than I care for and sometimes I don't have a choice, they just insist on doing things for me that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself, thank you very much! I've avoided playing the pregnancy card as long as possible but I'm finally at that point where I need to use it and I'm not hating it as much as I thought. Coming and going at work as I please (not taking advantage, just not pushing myself to do more than I can), having people move things for me, putting off housework and chores (because my feet are legitimately too swollen to stand on by the time I get home and I'm exhausted) and eating what I want. I'm not happy with my weight gain but it isn't out of control and a lot of it is water retention (did I mention my swollen legs and feet?) but overall it isn't that bad and I'm committed to being as healthy as I can be once he's born so for now I'll just enjoy eating Lucky Charms for dinner and my nightly ice cream sandwhiches, thank you very much.<br />
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I love feeling like I'm part of some exclusive club. From good friends to strangers, all of a sudden my relationship with women has changed. Friends who have babies have been an amazing support system and strangers open up to me like we are old friends. There are some coworkers who I've never really had a relationship with who have become very friendly and sympathetic and it has been really nice to have them to talk to. There was even a woman from the Girl Scout Board who has never said two words to me and last weekend at our meeting we had a great long chat about being a mom to little boys. I never even knew I was missing out on these kinds of relationships or this kind of female bonding and I'm really enjoying it. Part of it may have been self-inflicted with my whole jealousy/distance thing (see previous blog) but I'm so happy to have it now and am really enjoying it. It has even brought me closer to my cousin who I love dearly and was one of my best friends growing up but who I haven't been very close to in years. I love that we've been able to reconnect and bond over being mommies.<br />
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I love that my mom and I are closer than ever. She's never been big on being a grandma; she had me at 19 and my whole life she has pounded into my head that I shouldn't get married or have kids too young. And of course we both have thought for years I wouldn't be able to have kids so she wasn't ever expecting to be a grandma. But she has been an awesome support person for me throughout the pregnancy and I know she'll be a great grandmother. I love living so close to her so we can share this experience and I love that she isn't pushy or judgemental and is just there when I need her. I love seeing her get all teary eyed when she sees ultrasound pictures and I can't wait to see her hold her grandson for the first time.<br />
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I love how much I love Mike. This pregnancy has changed our relationship in ways I never expected but we are strong then ever. I could not have asked for a better partner and I honestly don't know how I would have lasted through this pregnancy without him by my side. He has been so supportive and so eager to be a part of this experience. He is so committed to being a good father and partner to me and I have seen him grow up (not that he really needed it, but he's made some really positive changes in his life and taken some big steps to be the best man he can be) so much in the past few months. I've seen him battle with his demons regarding his relationship with his own father and it breaks my heart to see him in pain over it but it solidifies that he will always do his best to be a great father. He tells me all the time how beautiful I still am to him and he has made sure that I haven't wanted for anything. He has let me cry on his shoulder, even when I'm crying over nothing. He is nesting right now so our bedroom has been rearranged, ceiling fans have been hung, rooms have been organized and cleaned, walls have been touch-up painted, and the garage is somewhat in better shape (still can't park a car, but hey, those millions of diapers are more important, right?). I didn't think I'd ever want to get married again but now I can't imagine not spending my life with Mike by my side and we are starting to talk about wedding plans and making things "official". My son couldn't have a better daddy and I couldn't have a better man to share my life with. <br />
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I love that is it is finally May and I will get to meet my son soon. The end is in sight! <br />
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<br />Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-46622811853701055712012-05-02T05:15:00.001-07:002012-05-02T05:15:30.282-07:0036 weeks<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjby1B_6TH-nD2iGbTK3LD640pIBZh02k3zFXBOHR1s1iByHurQ_MDBNP8SFJVhV1-AMWVDSsopeynuYpaZTAhNOPuokz3NRrnBUHQ37eHTTYMlzCa19Un4rEXnJlZQh6Gp1_xwxA8fGsc/s640/blogger-image-1360770240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjby1B_6TH-nD2iGbTK3LD640pIBZh02k3zFXBOHR1s1iByHurQ_MDBNP8SFJVhV1-AMWVDSsopeynuYpaZTAhNOPuokz3NRrnBUHQ37eHTTYMlzCa19Un4rEXnJlZQh6Gp1_xwxA8fGsc/s640/blogger-image-1360770240.jpg" /></a></div>Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-23930737790081899162012-04-25T12:31:00.001-07:002012-04-25T12:31:30.598-07:00Are we there yet?I don't even know where to begin - the last few weeks have been very intense. There is so much on my mind and so much I want to get down but I don't know where to start and I'm sure I'll miss a lot anyway. Here goes.<br />
<br />
Pregnancy went from "I feel pretty good" to "are we there yet?" pretty much over night. Again, I think I've had an extremely mild pregnancy (from what I hear and read) so despite the fact that most of this blog is me complaining, I actually felt pretty good for being almost ready to pop. But about 2 weeks ago I stopped sleeping through the night, stopped having cute little fee , stopped being able to eat full meals, and started feeling extremely huge and uncomfortable. People who know me keep telling me how wonderful I look and how pregnancy agrees with me and even if they are lying, I need to hear it because my self esteem has disappeared along with my ankles. People who don't know me (all those random people out there) keep telling me how huge I am, that I look ready to pop, that "that baby must be due any day". I really want to hit them in the face. So yeah, the last few weeks have been a lot of swollen feet, achy hips, sharp shooting pains in my cervix (look at that, another C word) random crying spells, lower back pain, sleepless nights, and peeing every 90 seconds or so. Oh, and Ryder gets the hiccups about twice a day which was cute the first 2 or 3 times and now just drives me nuts. The good news is, we're almost done and he will be here soon and this will all be behind me (and I'm sure I'll have a whole new cache of things to bitch about)<br />
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During this time a lot has happened. We had our big baby shower, I was in a wedding, shit went down at work, and serious matters of life and death have been discussed, among other things. Mike has continued to be my rock through all of this and my mom and I are closer then ever so it isn't all bad. But it sure is a lot for someone who may or may not be overly emotional right now (did I mention all the crying?)<br />
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Our baby shower on the 14th was perfect, everything I wanted (and nothing that I didn't want). One of my dear dear friends came to visit and it was so fantastic having her here. It sucks living so far away from some of the most important people in my life and while I completely understand that not everyone could drop everything and come to Tampa (and I've missed many occasions as well) it made the day so much better having her here. We spent the weekend catching up, hanging out, and remembering why we love each other so much. We also spent a lot of time talking about momentous life changes and it made me realize once again that I am very wrapped up in my own life. Many of my closest friends have been dealing with very serious, emotional, tough life problems this year and while I know about them and try to be there for them, it really is hard when I'm so far away. It makes my heart hurt for them to know that they are hurting and that I can't do more. Not to mention I've always had a bit of a guilt complex when it comes to being happy when I know people I love are not. I can sit here and say that I will be a better friend and stay in touch more and reach out more often but who am I kidding? I'm about to have a newborn. Thank God for Facebook and the artificial interactions so I don't feel like such a loser friend.<br />
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So the shower was great and a wonderful reminder of just how wanted and loved this little boy is. Mike and I both have pretty awesome families and our little bean is already very spoiled; I don't imagine this changing much over the years to come and we've talked about how it is our jobs to make sure he appreciates everything. In a lot of ways he will have an easier childhood than me or Mike and we hope that we can still raise a little boy who has compassion for others and an understanding of hard work, sacrifice, and achievement.<br />
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So we went right from an awesome weekend into one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. We had an unexpected round of layoffs at work that included my boss and several people I truly respected and had worked with the whole 5 years I've been there. It took place over two days and the mood at work was like people were dying. I don't really want to relive it but don't know if I can convey just how horrible it was to be at work during that time. There were whispers and rumors because no one knew it was coming or who was next and lots of fear because we could see people being walked out by security one by one but didn't really know what was going down. We had an all staff meeting to go over the changes, which were boiled down to "restructuring" but I have to say that it seemed very personal based on who was let go. I know every big organization has politics and part of it probably was just business but given our history I feel in my gut that this was a very strategic way to get rid of specific people. I wouldn't say my boss and I were really close but he was a great boss and I always knew he had my back or I could go to him for anything. I honestly feel lost without him and my whole department (all 5 of us) feel very confused, scared, and at a loss as to what to do. We are supposed to be reporting directly to the EVP of the whole sales department, and he has been really great during all of this (we can tell it was not his choice and that he isn't happy about it) but he is rarely around and quite frankly doesn't have time for the day-to-day operations at our level. The whole situation is extremely frustrating and stressful and I know without a doubt that it is worse because I'm very hormonal an emotional right now. You know, being 9 months pregnant and all. It makes me nervous because I'm about to be gone for 3 months and honestly have no idea what I'll be coming back to.<br />
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The day it all went down was the bachelorette party for good friend and lead right into her wedding weekend. I felt horrible but between my physical complaints (that whole 9 months pregnant thing again) and my mental turmoil, I was not at my best. I did all I could to grin and bare it during the festivities but it was a struggle. I was totally bummed out all day Friday and truly felt like I was in mourning. I was in a horrible mood the whole day and even getting my nails done with friends couldn't cheer me up (didn't help that it was the worst manicure EVER). At that point I was also on day 5 of no sleep which I'm sure didn't help. It was a very emotional, crappy day and I hate that it ruined my experience with the wedding plans. Luckily I woke up very happy on Saturday and was able to really enjoy being in the wedding. The bridesmaid dresses were purple so I looked a lot like everyone's favorite purple dinosaur, but it was still a really great wedding and I was so happy to be a part of it.<br />
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Of course, all the wedding/romance/hormone overload led to lots of talk between Mike and I about our own possible marriage. It is amazing how close we've become over the course of this pregnancy and there is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't wait to start our family and truly begin our life together. But I also know realistically that it won't happen anytime soon. However, we have talked a lot about it and we have our families' blessings so it will happen at some point. And I kind of look forward to the surprise element of it all, at least there will be some romance left!<br />
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I'm rambling on and on at this point so I think this is a good place to stop but I have so much more on my mind! Oh well. Time for our weekly doctor's appointment. That's right, we're going every week now. Ryder Patrick Martin will truly be here before we know it! Are we there yet?!?!?!<br />
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<br />Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552904917920332972.post-39836523381776659522012-04-10T14:39:00.000-07:002012-04-10T14:39:40.463-07:00The "C" wordThere are actually several C words that I associate with pregnancy and lucky me, they are very prevalent in this last trimester. I guess I can say I'm lucky that they've been non-existent or at least mild until now so I probably shouldn't complain, but I feel like I have a right to gripe a little bit...<br />
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"Cankles" this is a new one for me and I. Don't. Like. It! My feet and hands have been swelling pretty badly lately and my ankles and cute little feet tend to disappear for hours at the end of the day. I then lay around with my feet propped up on 15 pillows and switch between heat and ice to bring the swelling down. If Mike is home he will massage them for me (did I mention how lucky I am that he spent some time at massage school?). He doesn't even care if they have been in my shoes all day, he rubs them anyway because he hates seeing me suffer. Best. Boyfriend. EVER. But doesn't really make up for the fact that my ankles go MIA. I don't eat fast food (those cheeseburger cravings stopped around week 15), drink soda, or put salt on anything and I drink tons and tons of water so this doesn't happen every day but when it does, oh boy! <br />
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"Constipation" this one has been around my whole life, was really bad in the 1st trimester, got better, than got worse again. I stopped taking my iron supplement and started taking a new prenatal vitamin that has a stool softener in it which seems to help a little bit. But I can still go 4 or 5 days without going and when I do, I swear the soft part was left out of softener. I'm surprised I haven't broken a pipe with my boulders. (sorry if this is TMI) I eat lots of raisin bran, prunes, and fresh fruit, stay away from rice, steak, and excessive cheese but I still have this issue and it sucks. This week was particularly bad and when I was finally able to go this morning I felt like I'd lost 30 lbs, gained back the ability to bend over (somewhat, Mr. Ryder still gets in the way) and had no more stomach pains, gas, or cramps. Yay!!! I've never been that girl to talk about anything poop related and usually go out of my way to keep Mike from even knowing that I do poop but not anymore. Nothing is sacred once you are pregnant and poor guy knows all my woes. He is so supportive and concerned and is always reminding me to eat my prunes. I swear he would massage my butt if he needed to just to help me. Did I mention how lucky I am? <br />
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"Crying". I hate crying. Crying pisses me off. And lately I do it all the time. Everything makes me cry. Sad songs. Love songs. Happy songs. Romantic movies. Movies that just have romantic scenes. Anything involving kittnes or puppies. Thinking about how awesome Mike is. Thinking about being pregnant and my little miracle. Thinking about work and how much I love my job. Watching hockey. Literally everything. I've never been romantic or particularly girlie so this is all very new to me and I don't like it all. Well, I don't mind feeling all lovey towards Mike and our son but I could do without the tears every time I hear a song I like or see a cute little animal. I think Mike actually likes seeing a soft, tender side of me but he does a good job of not laughing (too much) when I get all mad in the middle of my tears. <br />
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"Comparison" I've always been the kind of person who compares myself to others. I think it relates to that envy/jealousy thing I wrote about a few weeks ago. Some times I feel good about myself when making comparisons with others but normally I am comparing how I fall short next to someone else. Being pregnant adds a whole new meaning to comparisons. I am obsessed with how much weight other pregnant women have gained, how big their bellies are, and how I measure up to them with my size and weight gain. I have to say that one of the hardest thing about being pregnant, for me, has been mental: wrapping my head around the fact that I <em>am</em> pregnant, that I'm supposed to gain weight, that my body changing is all good - and so far on track according to my doctors. I look at pictures of pregnant women and judge them based on how big they look compared to me and how close we are in our pregnancies. I know this is awful and I know I'd be devisated if others did it to me (and I'm sure there are those who do, in fact I know of 1 in particular) but I can't help it. Part of it is in my nature and part of it is not knowing what to expect with being pregnant and looking to others for clues. Not to mention when I'm smaller then someone I get that little self esteem boost that is so necessary when you weigh the most you've ever weighed in your life! <br />
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I'm sure there are some other c words that I'm forgetting (cramps and cravings come to mind) but I think I'm a little complained out for now.Alikat9http://www.blogger.com/profile/03255108822892306056noreply@blogger.com2