Thursday, August 30, 2012

And so it comes to an end

Wow, it has been over 2 months since I've posted anything. They have been the fastest 2 months of my life. I have loved every single second that I have been home with my amazing darling little son and have been the happiest I've ever been in my life. But they were also 2 very hard months, emotionally, and I'm still struggling a little bit. Ok, a lot.

I spent all of June getting used to being a mom and it was frustrating, exhausting, hard work but it was also wonderful. I spent all of July depressed and stressed out and anxious about my job, going back to work, and leaving my little boy. I've spent most of August feeling the same way but it has definitely gotten better. I believe there were some post partum hormones contributing to my anxiety and stress as well as being put back on the pill. The pill also screwed up my milk supply so I quit taking it and can tell it made a difference. (Mike and I need to be careful since we're not using any form of birth control but that is a topic for another post) So I think my hormones have leveled out and I feel somewhat normal again. At least, I'm not crying every single day anymore although I still cry more than I ever have in my life. I'm pretty sure I spent all of July in tears. Sleep deprivation probably didn't help either; and not because of Ryder, he is a good little sleeper. I just couldn't turn off my brain and the worry and stress I was feeling.

Thanks to my amazing fiance (Yes, Mike proposed! Again, a topic for another post) and some dear friends I really feel better about my abilities as a mother, a partner, and soon to be a working mother. I hate the idea of someone else taking care of my son and getting to spend all day with him but we found a daycare we are happy with, and coincidentally one where one of Mike's cousins happens to work, so we feel pretty good about that. But I just can't see going back to my old job, for so many reasons. The biggest one being that I don't want to work 60/70 hour work weeks anymore. But I also am so unhappy with how much has changed over the last few months. I have a new boss who is clueless (not his fault), some of my favorite aspects of my job have been taken away from me, every time I turn around they have made another change or taken away another resource, and a lot of my favorite people no longer work there due to all of these changes. So I am less than excited to go back to work. I've been applying for jobs left and right the last few weeks and part of me really wants to make a change but part of me really wants to be wrong - I want to go back to work and find out things are better than ever and that I will still love my job as much as ever. But  my gut tells me that that won't be the case.

I think I am just overwhelmed by so much change all at once. My job has changed completely after 5 years, having a baby, and getting engaged. It is a lot to process. And add to that some crazy raging hormones and the overwhelming love new mothers feel towards their babies and this whole going back to work thing is just a bit too much to take. I have always been career oriented and thrown myself 300% into every job I've ever had. This job was my dream job and it was my whole life, my whole identity. All of my relationships here in FL are a direct result of this job in one way or another. I never imagined a time where I wouldn't love my job and the life I had as a result of it but between everything changing with the organization, the people I work with, and my personal life, I just don't feel that passion anymore.  I know in my heart that I'd rather make my son a priority and this job just isn't family friendly. I think I am having a hard time letting go of that; it feels like I'm letting go of my whole identity.

Mike is wonderful and says he'll support me no matter what I decide. I have some money saved up so we could live off what he makes but our life would drastically change. And I can see myself slipping into a routine of laziness without the structure of a job to go to everyday. I think eventually I'd get bored. I know daycare will provide enrichment and stimulation for RPM that will be good for his development. And I know I've been luck with the 3 bonus weeks off I got thanks to the RNC. But this is still agonizing for me and I am still not ready to leave my son every day.

So there it is - what I've wrestled with, what has consumed my every waking thought for the past two months. And I have 4 more blissful days at home before going back to I don't even know what. I am determined to make the best of them and to enjoy every single moment with my precious baby. I just wish I could stop crying.