worrywort

I've always been a worrier by nature - I've actually been diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. I worry about everything. I'm also a perfectionist, which apparently goes hand in hand with the anxiety, or so I've been told. So it goes without saying that getting pregnant has only added to my worries and increased my anxiety. There is so much to worry about!

On a global scale, I worry about the world that I'm about to bring a child into. War, poverty, sickness, hate, and chaos - with no real end in sight. As an idealistic child I used to think world peace, saving the rainforest, curing cancer, and saving endangered animals were all realistic goals. Now I know better; there is far too much money in oil, weapons, natural resources, and finding a cure for cancer to ever end the horrors. There will never be peace in the middle east - the religious issues run too deep. And democrats and republicans in this country will never agree on the issues. It's enough to make your head spin. Our economy is in the dumps, our schools are terrible, the cost of living keeps rising, and I could go on and on. It is depressing to think about! And don't get me started on the terrible things people do to children. Kidnapping, molestation, bullying... and he could grow up and start doing drugs or having sex early and get a disease or get a girl pregnant... or what if he suffers a horrible debilitating injury while playing sports? Seriously, my imagination just gets on a roll...

On a more personal level, there is the bean himself to worry about. What if he isn't healthy? There are so many illnesses and disorders out there... I think all mom's worry about this but I personally know multiple people who've given birth to "healthy" children only to find that they had serious issues and only survived a few days after being born. Or people who seemed fine until they got a little older and turned out to have serious issues. Even if they are healthy, there could still be problems. My brother almost died from menangitis. Or there is SIDS (I know someone who just lost a family member to this at 4 months...) I also work with someone who just lost his 43 year old daughter - this only made me realize that not only do I have to worry about 9 months of pregnancy and birth, but once he's here the worrying will never stop! Something could happen at any age and a parent is never free from the fear that something will happen to their child. Again, you could drive yourself crazy with all the "what ifs".

Then of course are all the other worries - can we afford this? Do we live near good schools? How will work and daycare work? Will I ever have a good body again? Mike and I were doing so wonderfully, will our relationship survive? Will we be good parents? It is almost a blessing that I work a million hours and have an iron deficiency or I'm sure I'd never sleep again with so much to think about!

I've had a few melt downs over all of the above and Mike has been nothing but supportive. He talks me down off the ledge and holds me while I cry. He has truly been my rock through this whole pregnancy in so many ways. You've really never seen a guy so excited about being a dad. In fact he hasn't been anything but happy about it the whole time. I would be all stressed out and he would tell me it would all be fine and that he couldn't wait for our son to be born. Sometimes I almost feel like he's unrealistic and that now I need to worry for the both of us!

The other day we were cuddling and I started teasing him because I saw he had a grey hair. I asked if I was stressing him out with all my worrying and he confessed that he was stressed out about the baby but didn't want me to know it. He worries about all the same things I do but he also worries about me and my health - he said he didn't know what he would do if something happened to me and he had to choose between me and the baby. He is worried about our son being healthy and he worries about being a good dad and a good provider. It was such a good conversation and it was almost a relief to me to know he does worry about things too. And of course it makes me love him that much more that he has been holding this all in so as not to upset me and so he can support me and make me feel better. He's been very selfless with this pregnancy and this just hammered it home.

We were in a great place in our relationship when we conceived this baby and we've only grown closer over the last few months. It's conversations like these that just prove he is an amazing man and I'm so lucky to share my life with him. Being able to be so open and honest with each other, being able to share our fears and concerns, and of course being there to support each other, has only made us a stronger couple. Just when I think I have him figured out he goes and says or does something to show me I still underestimate him; he is constantly surprising me and solidifying my belief that he will be a wonderful father and life partner. I don't know how I got so lucky but I vow never to take him for granted.