So In Love

So I've done a lot of complaining on this blog and could do a whole lot more; I've hit that point where I'm basically miserable - I can't sleep, everything hurts, I weigh a ton so moving is very difficult, and don't forget the lovely hormones! I'm a cranky beast these days. So I'm doing my best to remind myself that I'm very lucky to be able to experience pregnancy and that it isn't all horrible. Here are some things I love about being pregnant:

I love feeling my son move. I love knowing he is in there, growing big and strong and that I'll get to meet him soon. I can share some of it with Mike (who just loves feeling him move and talking to him and kissing my belly, all of which are more things I love) but for now he is all mine. Our relationship is very intimate and as much as I hate being awake all hours of the night, there is some enjoyment in laying in bed in the dark feeling him move and being able to tell him how much he is wanted and loved and know it is just the two of us for now.

I love finally playing the pregnancy card (sort of). One of the things that drives me the most nuts about being pregnant is my loss of independance. I've become reliant on people to help me more than I care for and sometimes I don't have a choice, they just insist on doing things for me that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself, thank you very much! I've avoided playing the pregnancy card as long as possible but I'm finally at that point where I need to use it and I'm not hating it as much as I thought. Coming and going at work as I please (not taking advantage, just not pushing myself to do more than I can), having people move things for me, putting off housework and chores (because my feet are legitimately too swollen to stand on by the time I get home and I'm exhausted) and eating what I want. I'm not happy with my weight gain but it isn't out of control and a lot of it is water retention (did I mention my swollen legs and feet?) but overall it isn't that bad and I'm committed to being as healthy as I can be once he's born so for now I'll just enjoy eating Lucky Charms for dinner and my nightly ice cream sandwhiches, thank you very much.

I love feeling like I'm part of some exclusive club. From good friends to strangers, all of a sudden my relationship with women has changed. Friends who have babies have been an amazing support system and strangers open up to me like we are old friends. There are some coworkers who I've never really had a relationship with who have become very friendly and sympathetic and it has been really nice to have them to talk to. There was even a woman from the Girl Scout Board who has never said two words to me and last weekend at our meeting we had a great long chat about being a mom to little boys. I never even knew I was missing out on these kinds of relationships or this kind of female bonding and I'm really enjoying it. Part of it may have been self-inflicted with my whole jealousy/distance thing (see previous blog) but I'm so happy to have it now and am really enjoying it. It has even brought me closer to my cousin who I love dearly and was one of my best friends growing up but who I haven't been very close to in years. I love that we've been able to reconnect and bond over being mommies.

I love that my mom and I are closer than ever. She's never been big on being a grandma; she had me at 19 and my whole life she has pounded into my head that I shouldn't get married or have kids too young. And of course we both have thought for years I wouldn't be able to have kids so she wasn't ever expecting to be a grandma. But she has been an awesome support person for me throughout the pregnancy and I know she'll be a great grandmother. I love living so close to her so we can share this experience and I love that she isn't pushy or judgemental and is just there when I need her. I love seeing her get all teary eyed when she sees ultrasound pictures and I can't wait to see her hold her grandson for the first time.

I love how much I love Mike. This pregnancy has changed our relationship in ways I never expected but we are strong then ever. I could not have asked for a better partner and I honestly don't know how I would have lasted through this pregnancy without him by my side. He has been so supportive and so eager to be a part of this experience. He is so committed to being a good father and partner to me and I have seen him grow up (not that he really needed it, but he's made some really positive changes in his life and taken some big steps to be the best man he can be) so much in the past few months. I've seen him battle with his demons regarding his relationship with his own father and it breaks my heart to see him in pain over it but it solidifies that he will always do his best to be a great father. He tells me all the time how beautiful I still am to him and he has made sure that I haven't wanted for anything. He has let me cry on his shoulder, even when I'm crying over nothing. He is nesting right now so our bedroom has been rearranged, ceiling fans have been hung, rooms have been organized and cleaned, walls have been touch-up painted, and the garage is somewhat in better shape (still can't park a car, but hey, those millions of diapers are more important, right?). I didn't think I'd ever want to get married again but now I can't imagine not spending my life with Mike by my side and we are starting to talk about wedding plans and making things "official". My son couldn't have a better daddy and I couldn't have a better man to share my life with.

I love that is it is finally May and I will get to meet my son soon. The end is in sight!