Almost halfway there!

So I definitely look pregnant now and it seems like my bump is growing daily but somehow my boobs are still bigger than my belly. I feel like that should be a pregnancy milestone - heard heartbeat, felt kick, belly bigger than boobs...

<3 the bean <3

I guess this blog has been a lot if complaining so far - and don't get me wrong, there is a lot to complain about. Being pregnant sucks in a lot of ways and 80% of the time I'm physically uncomfortable in some way. But I love that I am pregnant.

I've always wanted children and I've always been curious about what being pregnant and giving birth is like. For the last 15 years I was under the impression that I would never know. So I see this pregnancy and my little bean as a miracle. Some days it still seems like a dream and I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and have to remind myself that yes, that's really me and that's really my little bean in there.

I love learning about all the new developments every week. I look forward to each week and each new milestone. I love talking about being pregnant and I love talking about my bean. I feel like I've become obsessed and it's all I think about - my life revolves around this child and it isn't even here yet!

I love laying in bed with my hands on my belly, daydreaming about my baby. I love feeling it move even though it is still very faint. I find that I can't keep my hands off my stomach, it has become so natural to rub it or cradle it in my hands. And despite being freaked out about gaining weight, I love that I have a true baby bump now.

I love that Mike loves touching my belly (weird since I normally hate it) and I love that he kisses it and talks to it. I love seeing how happy he is about becoming a father.

Even on the worst day I am grateful for this opportunity and happier than I ever imagined to be having this baby!

It's a...

Last night at my work Christmas party we had a palm reader so for fun Mike and I went to see what he had to say. He was creepily accurate about our personalities and how we got along as a couple - some of what he told us made me wonder if he'd overheard some of our fights from earlier in our relationship! He was obviously very knowledgable about zodiac signs and characteristics, etc., but he just knew stuff about us, it was crazy. He says we are having a girl.

Now, he's got a 50/50 chance of being right. From the minute I found out I was pregnant I felt like it was a girl. But I dreamt it was a boy and when Mike and I talk about the bean we always say he, him, and his. We've really only talked about boy names and I've only looked at boy nursery stuff. I don't know, now I don't have a strong feeling one way or the other. I know we both want a boy but I would be happy either way. When I see little girl clothes or plan Girl Scout events I think about having a daughter.

We will find out January 5th what we are having. I had really hoped to find out before Christmas but I guess waiting 2 more weeks in the grand scheme of things is not the end of the of the world. And it doesn't change anything; the bean is what it is! At that point I'll be 20 weeks and it will be pretty accurate. We are excited to be able to find out and then we can focus on picking a name, decorating the nursery, etc. I can't remember the last time I looked forward to the new year this much!

I've "popped"

So I've officially popped. My first clue was when a random person asked when I was due. Ballsy move if you ask me...but yes, there is now a true bump. During my first 15 weeks I gained a whopping 2lbs. but it feels like I gained more then that. I was working out so much this summer and I think I just lost muscle and gained fat and liquid but it kept my weight fairly even; I feel like it was all just re-distributed. My clothes have been tight for awhile but I managed with my "fat pants" (which actually are still too big everywhere but my waist) and baggy shirts. Then I added the bella band but finally last week I caved and bought maternity pants. They are really comfortable and make all the difference in the world but it still sort of upset me to buy them.

My whole adult life I've struggled with my weight. People always tell me I look great, they  never guess I weigh as much as I do, and sometimes I wonder if it is all in my head. But I've seen the pictures and on my short, curvy frame an extra 5lbs looks like 15 and 15lbs looks like 50! Granted, I have 20lbs of boobs but still, I know what a healthy weight for my height should be and I struggle to stay in that range. Having several surgeries and some hormone issues hasn't helped but I'd always at least been fairly confident. My ex husband ruined that. I gained a lot of weight after Ryan died and was at my heaviest and Jason was very cruel about it. He was always making comments about how I let myself go and I wasn't attractive anymore; he would tell me I was fat and he criticized everything I ate so it got to the point where I wouldn't eat in front of him or I would sneak around and snack behind his back. By the end of our marriage he wouldn't even touch me and sex was out of the question. I've never viewed myself quite the same way since, despite eventually losing all weight. The year in counseling during and after our divorce helped a little and at least I can identify that his behavior was emotionally abusive (this sounds dramatic but it was a very traumatic experience for me). Mike is the exact opposite; he met me at my smallest (since high school) and despite my weight fluctuating over the years we've been together a day doesn't go by that he doesn't tell me how beautiful I am or how much he loves my body. I think he secretly likes me a little bigger but is supportive when I work out and try to be healthy. And sex has never been an issues - clearly I wouldn't be in this situation if it was! LOL

So this whole gaining weight thing is really messing with my head. For once I can walk around without my stomach sucked in but I am still very self-conscious. Many people have made comments like "oh you have a bump!" or "yay, you're starting to show" like these are things to be very happy about it but all I hear is "you're getting fat". It's an odd situation to be in, where gaining weight is a good thing. I can't quite wrap my head around it. I'm terrifed that I will balloon up and not be able to lose the weight when the baby is born. I asked Mike the other night if I was getting fat and he laughed at me and said "you're pregnant and you're beautiful" so then I asked if my butt was getting bigger and he said "yes" quite enthusiastically (I really think he likes me a little plump) and of course I started crying. I understand that gaining weight is necessary and inevitable but it still sort of makes me panic. I really wanted to exercise throughout the pregnancy but the exhaustion, nausea, and crazy hours I work made it impossible until recently. I have been trying to watch what I eat as well and lately haven't had much appetite lately so at least I'm not stuffing my face. All I can do is be as healthy as possible for the next 4 1/2 months and hope that I'm able to get back into a good routine once the bean is born. I know that my health and the baby's health are all that matter but it is hard to shake years' worth of insecurities. I imagine this must be what women with eating disorders go through when they are tyring to gain weight and become healthy - it is really a tough mental battle.

Hello maternity clothes, goodbye sense of style

I caved and bought maternity pants last night. My normal pants won't button anymore and the Bella band works ok but I still feel like my pants might fall off at any minute. Especially when I'm speedwalking around the arena on game days. I have to say that I'm very disappointed in the maternity clothes at Target and Kohls; I was hoping to avoid spending a fortune at the maternity stores in the mall but I may have no choice. So I've got one pair of work pants and I figure I can get away with wearing then twice a week and rotating in leggings and maxi dresses. I winder if I could get away with yoga pants?

Reading List

When I first found out I was pregnant I started reading everything I could about being pregnant. Turns out that as long as I eat right (and the right things) and follow some basic guidelines I'm pretty good to go. So I've turned my attention to the bean and reading up on how to raise a smart, well adjusted child. Here is my reading list so far, thanks to some friends' suggestions and my cousin (all of whom have children that are smart and well adjusted). If you think Im missing anything, please feel free to share!