I've "popped"

So I've officially popped. My first clue was when a random person asked when I was due. Ballsy move if you ask me...but yes, there is now a true bump. During my first 15 weeks I gained a whopping 2lbs. but it feels like I gained more then that. I was working out so much this summer and I think I just lost muscle and gained fat and liquid but it kept my weight fairly even; I feel like it was all just re-distributed. My clothes have been tight for awhile but I managed with my "fat pants" (which actually are still too big everywhere but my waist) and baggy shirts. Then I added the bella band but finally last week I caved and bought maternity pants. They are really comfortable and make all the difference in the world but it still sort of upset me to buy them.

My whole adult life I've struggled with my weight. People always tell me I look great, they  never guess I weigh as much as I do, and sometimes I wonder if it is all in my head. But I've seen the pictures and on my short, curvy frame an extra 5lbs looks like 15 and 15lbs looks like 50! Granted, I have 20lbs of boobs but still, I know what a healthy weight for my height should be and I struggle to stay in that range. Having several surgeries and some hormone issues hasn't helped but I'd always at least been fairly confident. My ex husband ruined that. I gained a lot of weight after Ryan died and was at my heaviest and Jason was very cruel about it. He was always making comments about how I let myself go and I wasn't attractive anymore; he would tell me I was fat and he criticized everything I ate so it got to the point where I wouldn't eat in front of him or I would sneak around and snack behind his back. By the end of our marriage he wouldn't even touch me and sex was out of the question. I've never viewed myself quite the same way since, despite eventually losing all weight. The year in counseling during and after our divorce helped a little and at least I can identify that his behavior was emotionally abusive (this sounds dramatic but it was a very traumatic experience for me). Mike is the exact opposite; he met me at my smallest (since high school) and despite my weight fluctuating over the years we've been together a day doesn't go by that he doesn't tell me how beautiful I am or how much he loves my body. I think he secretly likes me a little bigger but is supportive when I work out and try to be healthy. And sex has never been an issues - clearly I wouldn't be in this situation if it was! LOL

So this whole gaining weight thing is really messing with my head. For once I can walk around without my stomach sucked in but I am still very self-conscious. Many people have made comments like "oh you have a bump!" or "yay, you're starting to show" like these are things to be very happy about it but all I hear is "you're getting fat". It's an odd situation to be in, where gaining weight is a good thing. I can't quite wrap my head around it. I'm terrifed that I will balloon up and not be able to lose the weight when the baby is born. I asked Mike the other night if I was getting fat and he laughed at me and said "you're pregnant and you're beautiful" so then I asked if my butt was getting bigger and he said "yes" quite enthusiastically (I really think he likes me a little plump) and of course I started crying. I understand that gaining weight is necessary and inevitable but it still sort of makes me panic. I really wanted to exercise throughout the pregnancy but the exhaustion, nausea, and crazy hours I work made it impossible until recently. I have been trying to watch what I eat as well and lately haven't had much appetite lately so at least I'm not stuffing my face. All I can do is be as healthy as possible for the next 4 1/2 months and hope that I'm able to get back into a good routine once the bean is born. I know that my health and the baby's health are all that matter but it is hard to shake years' worth of insecurities. I imagine this must be what women with eating disorders go through when they are tyring to gain weight and become healthy - it is really a tough mental battle.