Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I Do?

"Are you and Mike going to get married?" seems to be the first question everyone asks these days. And it is definitely a legit question. And the answer is "I don't know...". Mike and I have talked about it before but I was always very hesitant to even think about it. My first marriage didn't work out and it taught me a lot. 

Not that I'm worried about being married again. I don't want to go through another divorce. Divorce sucks. Not like breaking up sucks, but in a different, worse, more public and very legal way. I've had my heart broken before. When Josh and I broke up I thought it was the end of the world. But I was 20 and didn't know better. When Casey and I broke up I was devastated; life as I knew it was ending and seemed worse than Josh somehow because we were older and living together and planning to get married. When my marriage ended it was different. Yes, my heart was broken for a little while but I figured out pretty quickly it was better for both of us - Jason and I were not good together and I think the love had gone from our relationship. But it was worse somehow. It's one thing to break up with a boyfriend but another to end a marriage. You have to explain it to work (name change, insurance change, taking time off for court dates), you have to explain it to family (who paid for the wedding, bought gifts, celebrated your lives together) and friends. And the law gets involved with lawyers and court and it gets ugly fighting over possessions and money. Maybe it's just me but it seemed so public and humiliating and I truly felt like a failure. 

So it isn't like I don't want to marry Mike. I just don't think I could go through another divorce. And of course no one gets married planning to get divorced but having gone through it once I can't pretend I don't think about it. I also don't want to get married just because we're pregnant. I want to get married because we love each other and want to spend our lives together. And Mike has never been married so I don't want him to feel like he has to marry me now. Granted, I know he wanted to get married before we knew about the baby. But I thought it would be at least a year or two. 

So aside from being gun shy, there is also the stress of paying for and planning a wedding. Having done it once, I know it can be very time consuming. And since my parents just finished paying for my first one, this one would be our financial responsibility. So on top of the expense of a baby now we would have to worry about a ring and a wedding (and maybe a honeymoon?). My first wedding was wonderful but small and far from the wedding of my dreams. And Mike has never been married. So I know we would want to plan a really nice wedding. Not anything extravagant but not a trip to the courthouse either. It just seems like a lot to take on right now. 

The final hurdle for me is the romance of it all. Having done it once in a very unconventional way, I have this romantic idea of how I'd want to do it again. I want a romantic proposal that is a surprise. I want to invite all my family and friends. I want to pick out all the little details. I want everyone to be happy for me instead of skeptical. And I want to be 100% sure, I want it to last. I know it is just a day and that the marriage is the important part. I know how to be a better partner and spouse and I know Mike is a better match for me. But I guess I'm still just scared to screw it all up. Oh, and I don't want to be pregnant at my wedding. 

So my family is happy for us and supports us getting married. His mom is pushing for it. And I know he wants to. So why am I still so un-sure? We live together, we want to be together, we are starting a family together. I love him with all my heart and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I guess it is just a lot to wrap my head around all at once. 

2 comments:

  1. One thing at a time, Alikat. You've got so much going on in your head that marriage shouldn't be one of them. Yet. I know you want to marry Mike, but like you said - your plan was a year or two. Let that still be your time frame. Don't rush it. Enjoy your baby and your new family! If you want to get married after, then go for it, but don't stress yourself out. You have all that you need with you (and inside you) now. Love you!!!!! :*

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  2. Or...you can be like me and just let things be and have a family and a life and everything you dreamed, just without an actual marriage certificate. But truth be told, I do dream about the wedding, and walking down the aisle with all of our friends and family there to celebrate with great food and candlelight. That will happen for me one day, but even better, our girls will be there to participate and watch their mommy and daddy tell the world how much they love each other. Little Ryder will be able to be there for you guys, and that might make this an even more amazing experience:)
    Love you!

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