So my life has changed a crazy amount in the last 6 weeks and I should have started keeping track of everything sooner because I know there are feelings and thoughts I've forgotten but seemed huge at the time.
For the first few weeks I worried about EVERYTHING. Given I wasn't supposed to get pregnant in the first place, I was terrified I wouldn't be able to stay pregnant. Every time I went to the bathroom I prayed not to find any blood or anything that even looked remotely like blood. Every morning when I woke my first thought was "am I still pregnant? is the baby ok?". The doctor helped me feel a little better but I still went through an irrational time of not wanting to do anything but lay on the couch for fear I was going to screw this up somehow. I was supposed to run a 5k with some friends and I was too scared to do it. I made up some lame excuse about sleeping through my alarm because I also was worried that if I told too many people it would jinx everything.
My biggest fear was that I didn't know anything about being pregnant. I know a lot about kids. Between nannying and being a camp counselor I've had pretty decent experience with kids of all ages, newborn on up. But I don't know anything about being pregnant or giving birth. I felt like I showed up to class to find we had a test and not only didn't I study, I didn't even know about it! I felt like I had to cram as much knowledge as I could as fast as I could to catch up to where I should be, knowledge-wise, for someone who was almost 2 months pregnant. I read books, blogs, baby websites, talked to friends and family, and soon realized that there is no magic amount of knowledge. Things have changed so much from when my mom had me and things even continue to change. Trying to keep up with the dos and don'ts of what to do and eat, etc. is exhausting! I finally came to the conclusion that right now I need to just eat right, get lots of sleep, exercise when I can (and feel like it) and just take this a day at a time. I still feel like I have a lot to learn but I'm not as frantic about it.
Now I'm three months in and feeling somewhat less freaked out. Somewhat... I mean, there is still a lot to worry about. I have to come up with a birth plan (not that anyone I know was ever able to follow their's exactly) figure out how to decorate a nursery, figure out how to pay for a baby and the next 18 years of its life. Bank cord blood? Immunize? Daycare? Public school vs. private? Do I push them into sports? How do I make them love reading as much as me? Will they be smart and do well in school? What age do you have the birds and bees talk? Oh my God, one day they will want to drive my car! It is easy to get carried away and induce panic attacks.
One thing that has helped is the birth boards at babycenter.com. While I think most of the women in the May 2012 birth club are attention-seeking and self righteous idiots, I do find it helpful and reassuring to know other women out there have the same fears as me. I also have some wonderful friends who are great mama's and I am able to benefit from the fact that they've done it first. (Thank you all in advance for the next 6 months at least!)
So I'm sure I'll have many more things to freak out about as the weeks and months pass but for now I'm happy to be pregnant and excited to see what life has in store for me, Mike, and our little bean.
I highly recommend the book, Pregnancy Sucks: When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable. Also, don't waste your time creating a birth plan; Mother Nature already has that figured out for you. It's good to have goals (i.e. vaginal birth, meds, no meds, etc. some even want a C-section), but things change so much from moment to moment - ESPECIALLY towards the end - that trying to plan it will just be an extra headache you have to deal with. I didn't have a birth plan, just figured I would go with the flow once it happened. I think that helped to minimize the stress and fear of just giving birth.
ReplyDeleteShe is right. It's good to have an idea of what you do want, maybe low lighting, an epidural, iv pain drugs to get you through and relax. Sometimes the plans are so rigid for some woman, and they become dismayed and frantic when an emergency happens or find that their natural birth plan went all to hell when the pain got too bad or their child was in danger and the doctor intervened. I think the best thing to do is arm yourself with knowledge (like you and I always do) and just know so much that nothing is really new to you. Your baby may be face up, breech, etc and that may dictate what your labor will be like. Know the signs of labor and you will fine. I love that you are blogging. What a beautiful thing for your child to read in the future too. And if you are really freaked out, I will be there to hold your hand the whole time. :)
ReplyDeleteyour friends have great advice! people always say, 'don't worry about money' when it comes to having kids. Well, i'm here to tell you, you will always worry, but some how it always seems to work out (so far). We worried about the same things, but seriously, it works out. :)
ReplyDelete