Whew! The last 2 weeks have been rough ones. Ryder must have hit a growth spurt right in between weeks 3 and 4 because he was eating practically every hour on the hour. We sort of mellowed into a routine but then he got circumcised on Friday and it all went to shit.
He did really well with the circumcision - it seemed to only hurt for about 18 hours and then he was just kind of fidgety for a day and back to normal by Sunday. (I was in tears the whole time though, I think it may have been rougher on me than him!) However, he ate every hour on Friday and Saturday and didn't want to be put down so as a result I did not get any sleep for almost 3 days. Not to mention how hard it was to hear him crying from pain. He has a few distinct cries and I hope to never hear that one again (wishful thinking, I know). Every time he would start screaming I would burst into tears, it was horrible. And I dealt with it all alone since Mike slept during both days and worked both nights. He came home late on Saturday morning after his Friday night shift and I could have killed him! He normally gets home around 4:30am but didn't get home until almost 7am that day. He felt bad but I was livid. I was up all day and night with our poor little boy after his procedure and desperately needed a break and some sleep but because he was late I didn't get that until Sunday and I was not a nice person to be around. He made it up to me and all 3 of us obviously survived the weekend but it was not fun. So glad that is behind us!
Part of what made that whole weekend so hard is we are not using a pacifier. This is something Mike and I have fought about since about the minute we found out we were pregnant. He is totally against them and while I do think some parents abuse them, I think they can be necessary and definitely serve a purpose. We've fought about using one many times, including most of last week. Mike thinks they are a crutch for parents and that they teach the baby bad habits, encourage oral fixations (which he thinks leads to over eating and smoking) and can mess up their teeth and speech development. All of these things can be true but I think only if the parents let them happen. I believe (and am backed up by research) that babies have an innate need to suck and that the pacifier can provide comfort for them. I think the parents need to use them sparingly and wean the child off of them early but that they can still be effective and helpful to both the baby and the parents. I agreed to try not to use one but always maintained that it might be necessary one day. Everything I read said not to introduce one until the baby was a month old and breastfeeding was well established so those were my benchmarks. For the most part Ryder rarely needs one but there were a few times, and especially during the growth spurt and the circumcision recovery, when he needed one. Both of our families kept asking why we weren't using one but I backed up Mike's decision not to use one, even though I felt Ryder needed it. I finally got Mike to agree to discuss it with our pediatrician at RPM's 1 month appointment.
I am with Ryder 85% of the time since Mike works nights and sleeps during the day. He comes home and takes Ryder for a few hours so I can sleep (although there is usually a feeding or two during that time so I don't get a complete break) before he goes to bed. Then he gets up and cleans the house, cooks dinner, etc. before going to work. Typically he is awake to help me with the baby about 4 or 5 hours a day. The rest of the time it is all me. All day. All evening. All night. And since we are exclusively breastfeeding, I handle every meal. I like to think this qualifies me to know what my baby needs. And sometimes, not often, but sometimes he needs a pacifier. He is usually a very good baby, super alert and only fusses when he has a reason - wet/poopy diaper or needs to eat or burp. But each evening he would get fussy and end up using me as his pacifier. We'd go all day with a good pattern of eating every 2-3 hours and then at night he'd go to every hour or so and most of the time he wasn't eating, just wanting my boob in his mouth. I was starting to feel chained to the couch and very frustrated. There have a been a couple of times where he was really gassy and was pretty inconsolable (unconsolable?). And then there was the circumcision recovery. Unfortunately, Mike was not around for most of this. If Ryder is fussy around Mike he usually hands him to me and says "I think he needs to eat, he's trying to suck". Even if I knew he didn't need to eat I'd end up giving in and sitting there with him on my boob just to calm him down. I'd try to tell Mike he wasn't eating but it would just lead to another fight so most of the time I'd just sit there feeling angry and frustrated.
Don't get me wrong, Mike is an AMAZING dad. He is super hands on and Ryder just loves his daddy. Mike wants so badly to be a good dad and tries so hard to only/always do what is "right" and "best". I really admire him and am thankful for him. But this pacifier thing was starting to really strain us. We spoke with the pediatrician today (I love our pediatrician btw) and she was fairly neutral but she did back me up and she explained to Mike that if we did use one, we were in control and that it wouldn't cause all the problems he worried about if we didn't let it. After we left I told Mike that I had supported him for this past month but that moving forward, since I was alone with the baby most of the time, that if I felt he needed a pacifier I was going to use one; he needs to trust that I wouldn't abuse it or use it just to "shut him up" but that I would be thinking of my own sanity and for the comfort of our infant son. He said he would support me with this moving foward.
Today was a really good day with Ryder. He was happy during the times he was awake and back to eating every 2 hours. But after eating at 7:45 for 30min and again at 8:45 for 20min he was very fussy and after 30min of him crying (and me making sure he had a clean diaper and knowing he did not need to eat again so soon) I finally decided to try the pacifier. He took it with no problems and instantly settled down; he was asleep in my arms within minutes, happily sucking away making those cute contented baby sighs. He has been sleeping peacefully for the last 2 hours and even spit it out after about 20 minutes. I was able to actually get stuff done and am as calm and peaceful as my sweet baby boy.
I have to say, I am proud of myself for supporting Mike for so long because I feel like it proved to him that I really value his opinion and parenting skills but I also feel bad that I deprived my son of something that obviously comforts and soothes him, especially during the trauma of recovering from his circumcision. I think I also deprived myself in a way because I think he and I could have had more of a schedule down by now and I'd have a little bit of my life back. But that is all behind us and now we can move forward. It is really too bad babies don't come with instruction manuals and we have to figure this all out for ourselves. I can see how relationships and marriages can suffer when kids are born if both parents aren't on the same page about things. I can also see how kids can suffer when parents don't care enough to try to work through their differences (or don't care about doing what is right/best for their child but that is another topic for another day...)
On a side note, we started cloth diapering and while I love the idea of it, I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. It definitely takes longer to complete a diaper change and this may seem stupid but I hate how bulky it makes his cute little butt. I'm already sad he is growing out of his newborn clothes and with the cloth diapers now they definitely don't fit. (I know, I know, that is a dumb thing to be upset about). Ryder doesn't really seem to care either way so we'll see how long it lasts. Sometime in the next few days I will attempt to start pumping but after the last 10 days, I'm not sure I'm mentally ready to tackle anything else new. Wish me luck!
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