In the hospital we could only get him to latch to the right boob; he wasn't interested in the left one at all. And getting him to latch took 2 people - I just didn't have enough hands to hold him, support his head, and maneuver the boob into his mouth. Once he did latch, he would only eat for about 5 minutes at a time and sometimes he would go 4 hours without eating. Like most new moms, I of course freaked out but the nurses and lactation consultants were great and very encouraging. They said he was normal, it was a learning curve for mom and baby, and that they were confident we would both get the hang of it.
Once we got him home, it was more of the same - I needed a 3rd and 4th hand to help get him latched on and at one point Mike and I were cracking up because it looked like we were playing Twister because we were all tangled up on the couch wrestling the boob into RPM's mouth. He still would only take the right boob and the best position was if I was laying down. I could not imagine going through this 8-12 times a day for the next 3-6 months! Despite how huge my boobs are, my nipples aren't that big and it seemed like he couldn't tell when my nipple was in his mouth so he wouldn't start sucking without a LOT of help from us. Lucky for us Nichole suggested a nipple shield and it made all the difference in the world - and was probably the difference between us continuing to breast feed and going to bottles. The shield made it to where he could feel the nipple in his mouth and latched right away. He even took the left boob (finally!) and started eating for longer stretches of time. My milk came in after that and for a day (and thank God only for 1 day!) my boobs looked like footballs sticking off my chest. They settled down after the first day and are still huge but not quite as cartoonish.
So after that getting him to eat wasn't quite as hard. He still only really ate well if I was laying down and it took over a week for the us to have any success using the boppy. Now I try really hard only to feed him laying down at night or if he is particularly fussy and I want him to sleep. Otherwise we use the boppy. He still doesn't do well if I'm just holding him unless I can get into a position where my boob is basically falling into his mouth which makes feeding out in public kind of awkward. After a week we started keeping a log of when he ate, for how long, etc., trying to establish a pattern/routine/schedule. Some days we do really well and some days it all goes to shit. We tried to get him to eat every 3 hours but realistically it is every 2.5. But then there will be stretches of cluster feedings where it is every hour. The other night he ate every hour on the hour for 5 hours straight - all I did was nurse and change diapers until we both just passed out.
Ryder is a really good baby. He only cries when something is wrong and tends not to be fussy. I can pretty much tell when he is hungry and when he needs to poop. Every now and then he'll cry because his tummy is upset and I can usually pinpoint what it is I ate that is bothering him; call it mother's intuition or just the fact that I'm usually just as gassy as him. We are trying really hard not to use a pacifier and mostly don't need one but there are those times when he is crying at night and I think he can't possibly still be hungry but the boob is the only thing that settles him down. I don't know if he really is that hungry or if he is using me as a pacifier. His dr. is happy with his growth and weight gain so I guess there is no harm in feeding him as much as he wants but it really frustrates me because I end up spending hours on the couch or in the bed feeding him and doing nothing else. (We have every single movie channel offered and I think I've seen every movie at least 5 times now)
Surprisingly, I do enjoy breastfeeding. For so long (since jr. high) I've been "the girl with the big boobs" and for stretches of time I've felt like that was all anyone saw me as or the only thing I had to offer. I've struggled through phases of showing them off, covering them up, loving them, hating them, and feeling like I was just a giant walking pair of breasts. It is refreshing to me (and something of a relief) that they are serving the true purpose they were intended for, feeding my child. I take pride in the fact that I'm successfully nourishing my son. I love the bonding that occurs when RPM is eating. I love seeing his little eyes looking up at me, I love watching his little cheeks while he is drinking, I love holding him in my arms, and I love when he throws his little arms around my boobs like he is hugging them. I love the little faces he makes after he is done eating, that "dairy drunk" look is so adorable! And I love when he falls asleep on my chest, totally content with his little life. I also love the hormone release that makes me feel peaceful and drowsy right along with him.
The problem is, I love all of this 4 or 5 times a day. The other 4 or 5 times I am just frustrated and annoyed and impatient because it means I'm not eating or using the bathroom or cleaning or accomplishing anything. Some days I feel like all I do is feed this kid while Mike does everything else. Or I will set a goal, like "after this feeding he'll fall asleep and I can get up and do laundry/take a shower/eat lunch/clean the kitchen/finish thank you cards/go to the gym/etc. and by the time he is done I am either wiped out or he won't sleep and just wants to be held and then a whole day has gone by and I've managed none of the things I wanted to do. I'm lucky to get a bathroom break. So I try really hard to lie there with him and just enjoy the experience while I can (I know he won't be this little forever or I won't have the luxury to lay around all day for long) and I get very upset with myself for feeling so annoyed and impatient with him and I end up cranky and exhausted. The whole process wears me out!
The other thing that bothers me is feeding him when we're out in public. If I'm visiting family or friends it isn't so bad but if we're at the store or mall or running errands there are no good places to nurse. The first time we were at the mall and Ryder needed to eat we went to a restroom at a dept. store, thinking it would be nicer than the regular mall bathrooms. And it was. Sort of. It was still a restroom so I felt kind of gross just sitting there. And listening to people go to the bathroom and flush disgusted me. I just kept thinking "I don't eat in a bathroom, why should my son have to?" and the longer we were in there (which was a while because invariable he pooped right as I finally got him latched which also took forever since we could do any of the nice comfy positions that make it easy to feed him) the more upset I got. I vowed never to feed him in a public bathroom again if I could help it but that just makes it even more impossible to get up off the couch and have a life while breastfeeding because now I have to think about any place I want to go and how long we'd be there (which is always longer than you think with a baby...) and will I be able to nurse him? So even on days where I get more than a 40min break between feedings (not counting burping and diaper changes) I'm nervous to try going anywhere. Which of course just leads to more frustration. Ugh!!!
I know I'm not the only woman to go through this. And I know that I'm doing what is best for my son. I also know I'm lucky to have a partner who supports breastfeeding and is willing to pick up my slack everywhere else in our lives. But I can totally see why women would give up and switch to formula. Trust me, I've been tempted! And I'm totally stressed out about pumping which we were going to try once Ryder is a month old. I even had an anxiety dream last night about trying to figure out how to use the pump! We're just taking this one day at a time, and when I lay there early in the morning snuggling my little boy while he eats I remind myself why we're doing this.
Next month we'll tackle cloth diapers....
(this is my enormous boob and my tiny son)
HOLY MAN! Now THAT'S a boob! Congrats, love! Zoey and I never could master it.
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