Last night was the last home game of the season (we still have 3 more games on the road but we are out of the playoffs so it was the last game that means anything). The Lightning played a great game and the crowd was so enthusiastic, you would have thought it was a playoff game. It was one of the best games I've watched all season. It was also the most emotional. I always hate to see a season end, I'm never ready for the last game, but this year feels different.
This has been the most challenging season in my 5 years with the team. For starters, I was pregnant the entire season so that presented it's own challenges. And the first 2 months of the season were so early in my pregnancy that no one knew I was pregnant - I spent my days in a fog trying to come to terms with the fact that I was actually really truly pregnant while managing interns, kicking off the season, and planning and executing 4 of my biggest events of the year all in the space of 5 weeks. I still don't know how I got through that time. I spent the rest of the season trying to balance being pregnant with my normal work load and the added pressure of our building being renovated around us the entire year, losing my office, losing some of my favorite projects to other departments, losing some of my favorite clients because they restructured who the sales reps work with, losing inventory because of the renovations, and -oh yeah, did I mention I was pregnant?
Through all the changes and challenges I still worked my normal 50-60 hours of work but I know I was not on my A game. I barely made my sales goal for the season (thank goodness I did hit it, but still!) and I went from being #1 two years in a row to being just another member of the staff (still in the top but not the top). I know I work my ass off, I know my clients love me, and I know that I meet/exceed expectations but I also don't want anyone to think I slacked at all or that I took advantage of my condition. I busted my ass to be "normal" all season and it wasn't until doctor's orders that I started cutting back my hours in the last 4 weeks. The problem is, I know it affected my work and I've been really beating myself up over it. And stressing about what that means for my future with the organization.
I struggled so hard to hit my goal and finish my events in my shortened hours that I have no prospects lined up for this summer. And I won't be working for most of the summer so when I come back to work in September I will be extremely behind. Who knows if my clients will wait or be loyal at all or if they will just buy from someone else in my absence. And I'll have a newborn so how will I work the hours that I need to make up the lost ground? Will I even still want to work those kind of hours?
For the first time in my life I don't feel defined my job. In AZ I was all about Cityscape, living there, working there, with all my friends living and working there. My whole life was wrapped up in that property, along with my self-worth. For the last 5 years I've been 100% devoted to the Lightning, at the expense of my previous marriage, my health, and pretty much every other aspect in my life. Mike and my family have always been supportive but I can see that I've been very selfish about putting this job ahead of everything and everyone else. But that has changed with my little bean - for the first time I realize that my job is not the most important thing. Instead of wanting to spend every minute at work and around hockey I now want to spend every minute with Mike getting ready to start our family. And for the first time in 5 years I know that if I were not to work for the Lightning anymore it wouldn't be the end of the world.
But at the same time I'm not ready to not work there. I keep telling myself it will all work out, there will be a way to balance my family and my job and still be a part of the organization I love so much. But if my sales are down I won't make the money I'm used to and I may not get a choice in keeping my job if they don't think I'm performing. Right now I'm more stressed out about my job than any other aspect of having this little boy. Staying at home is not an option because Mike makes good money but not enough to support us in our current lifestyle (and he is in sales like me so nothing is guaranteed, income-wise) and he doesn't have insurance, I do. I also can't see myself not working, I enjoy it too much.
So sitting in the stands last night, watching the team I love play their hearts out, I couldn't help but wonder what next season will hold. Will I still be there to cheer them on through the last game? Will I even want to be? Feeling my little boy moving around (he got so excited at the end of the game that he gave himself a wicked case of hiccups - and yes, he was excited, I know he can hear and sense the crowd around us during games because he starts moving and kicking a lot more) reminds me that my priorities in life are shifting and that my life is about to change completely. Where will the Lightning fit into that new life?
I very much understand your worries. I knew I wanted to be a working Mom long before I ever thought about becoming a Mom. But you should save yourself (and the baby!) the stress of worrying about it because you have no idea how you'll feel or how drastically your life will change (and everything with it) once that Bean is born. I started crying the week before I had to go back to work, and I am EXTREMELY fortunate to work for a firm who is family-friendly. I sincerely hope your organization, clients, etc. are family-friendly. No company should make an employee feel like they need to choose between it or their family because, well, we all have a family or someone we need to take care of. Once your sweet bundle is born, take it one day at a time because you won't feel the same from one second to the next; change is the only real thing you can count on. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh I change my mind daily, I don't expect this to get better once he's here!
ReplyDelete