Are we there yet?

I don't even know where to begin - the last few weeks have been very intense. There is so much on my mind and so much I want to get down but I don't know where to start and I'm sure I'll miss a lot anyway. Here goes.

Pregnancy went from "I feel pretty good" to "are we there yet?" pretty much over night. Again, I think I've had an extremely mild pregnancy (from what I hear and read) so despite the fact that most of this blog is me complaining, I actually felt pretty good for being almost ready to pop. But about 2 weeks ago I stopped sleeping through the night, stopped having cute little fee , stopped being able to eat full meals, and started feeling extremely huge and uncomfortable. People who know me keep telling me how wonderful I look and how pregnancy agrees with me and even if they are lying, I need to hear it because my self esteem has disappeared along with my ankles. People who don't know me (all those random people out there) keep telling me how huge I am, that I look ready to pop, that "that baby must be due any day". I really want to hit them in the face. So yeah, the last few weeks have been a lot of swollen feet, achy hips, sharp shooting pains in my cervix (look at that, another C word) random crying spells, lower back pain, sleepless nights, and peeing every 90 seconds or so. Oh, and Ryder gets the hiccups about twice a day which was cute the first 2 or 3 times and now just drives me nuts.  The good news is, we're almost done and he will be here soon and this will all be behind me (and I'm sure I'll have a whole new cache of things to bitch about)

During this time a lot has happened. We had our big baby shower, I was in a wedding, shit went down at work, and serious matters of life and death have been discussed, among other things. Mike has continued to be my rock through all of this and my mom and I are closer then ever so it isn't all bad. But it sure is a lot for someone who may or may not be overly emotional right now (did I mention all the crying?)

Our baby shower on the 14th was perfect, everything I wanted (and nothing that I didn't want). One of my dear dear friends came to visit and it was so fantastic having her here. It sucks living so far away from some of the most important people in my life and while I completely understand that not everyone could drop everything and come to Tampa (and I've missed many occasions as well) it made the day so much better having her here. We spent the weekend catching up, hanging out, and remembering why we love each other so much. We also spent a lot of time talking about momentous life changes and it made me realize once again that I am very wrapped up in my own life. Many of my closest friends have been dealing with very serious, emotional, tough life problems this year and while I know about them and try to be there for them, it really is hard when I'm so far away. It makes my heart hurt for them to know that they are hurting and that I can't do more. Not to mention I've always had a bit of a guilt complex when it comes to being happy when I know people I love are not. I can sit here and say that I will be a better friend and stay in touch more and reach out more often but who am I kidding? I'm about to have a newborn. Thank God for Facebook and the artificial interactions so I don't feel like such a loser friend.

So the shower was great and a wonderful reminder of just how wanted and loved this little boy is. Mike and I both have pretty awesome families and our little bean is already very spoiled; I don't imagine this changing much over the years to come and we've talked about how it is our jobs to make sure he appreciates everything. In a lot of ways he will have an easier childhood than me or Mike and we hope that we can still raise a little boy who has compassion for others and an understanding of hard work, sacrifice, and achievement.

So we went right from an awesome weekend into one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. We had an unexpected round of layoffs at work that included my boss and several people I truly respected and had worked with the whole 5 years I've been there. It took place over two days and the mood at work was like people were dying. I don't really want to relive it but don't know if I can convey just how horrible it was to be at work during that time. There were whispers and rumors because no one knew it was coming or who was next and lots of fear because we could see people being walked out by security one by one but didn't really know what was going down. We had an all staff meeting to go over the changes, which were boiled down to "restructuring" but I have to say that it seemed very personal based on who was let go. I know every big organization has politics and part of it probably was just business but given our history I feel in my gut that this was a very strategic way to get rid of specific people. I wouldn't say my boss and I were really close but he was a great boss and I always knew he had my back or I could go to him for anything. I honestly feel lost without him and my whole department (all 5 of us) feel very confused, scared, and at a loss as to what to do. We are supposed to be reporting directly to the EVP of the whole sales department, and he has been really great during all of this (we can tell it was not his choice and that he isn't happy about it) but he is rarely around and quite frankly doesn't have time for the day-to-day operations at our level. The whole situation is extremely frustrating and stressful and I know without a doubt that it is worse because I'm very hormonal an emotional right now. You know, being 9 months pregnant and all. It makes me nervous because I'm about to be gone for 3 months and honestly have no idea what I'll be coming back to.

The day it all went down was the bachelorette party for  good friend and lead right into her wedding weekend. I felt horrible but between my physical complaints (that whole 9 months pregnant thing again) and my  mental turmoil, I was not at my best. I did all I could to grin and bare it during the festivities but it was a struggle. I was totally bummed out all day Friday and truly felt like I was in mourning. I was in a horrible mood the whole day and even getting my nails done with friends couldn't cheer me up (didn't help that it was the worst manicure EVER). At that point I was also on day 5 of no sleep which I'm sure didn't help. It was a very emotional, crappy day and I hate that it ruined my experience with the wedding plans. Luckily I woke up very happy on Saturday and was able to really enjoy being in the wedding. The bridesmaid dresses were purple so I looked a lot like everyone's favorite purple dinosaur, but it was still a really great wedding and I was so happy to be a part of it.

Of course, all the wedding/romance/hormone overload led to lots of talk between Mike and I about our own possible marriage. It is amazing how close we've become over the course of this pregnancy and there is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't wait to start our family and truly begin our life together. But I also know realistically that it won't happen anytime soon. However, we have talked a lot about it and we have our families' blessings so it will happen at some point. And I kind of look forward to the surprise element of it all, at least there will be some romance left!

I'm rambling on and on at this point so I think this is a good place to stop but I have so much more on my mind! Oh well. Time for our weekly doctor's appointment. That's right, we're going every week now. Ryder Patrick Martin will truly be here before we know it! Are we there yet?!?!?!