These past few weeks have been really crazy and I'm pretty burnt out on the work end of things. I still have 2 big events tomorrow, 1 Monday, and 1 Thursday so I have one more crazy week to get through and it should be smooth sailing after that. (fingers crossed!)
In the meantime lots has been happening outside of work too. Mike's uncle died and attending his viewing and service really made us think a lot about family, life, and death. There is nothing like being pregnant at a funeral to really hammer home the whole "circle of life" concept. Everyone is so sad at the loss of one life but so excited for the beginning of another. It is nice to be able to cheer people up, to be the bright spot in a tough time. I'm sure if I'd had time to sit and write during those few days I'd have a lot more, profound things to say. But it was an interesting and thought-provoking time.
During my pulled ligament fiasco we also learned that my tailbone is curved. I'd hurt it a few years ago and still have trouble sitting for long times or sitting on hard surfaces but didn't think too much of it. Apparently thought, since it curves under, the baby's head could get caught during birth. I was told that it is likely I'll need a c-section. This was really upsetting news; I have my heart set on a natural birth. We took our labor & delivery class a month ago (something else I didn't have time to sit and write about) and Mike and I agreed that I should try for a natural birth. For one, I have a high tolerance for pain and have been through a lot with all my surgeries so labor should be manageable. Also, I have a lot of drug allergies and we felt that in the middle of giving birth would be a bad time to find out I was allergic to the pain killers or epidural. I also don't agree with the side effects that can come with epidurals, or the other drugs you can end up needing when you have one. Mike didn't like the size of the needle or the fact that it would be going into my spine. So all in all we both were hoping for a natural birth. So now I have to come to terms with the chance it may not happen. Which is fine, that is how life goes. Most of my best laid plans didn't actually end up going the way I'd hoped and yet somehow things work out and life goes on. But it is still a a bummer. But I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant and here we are; I was supposed to get gestational diabetes and I didn't; so maybe my tailbone will magically straighten and I'll be able to give birth to our little miracle the way we want. But Mike and I both agree - however our little man needs to come into this world is fine with us as long as he is healthy.
We also have finally chosen a name: Ryder Patrick Martin. Ryder is the only first name Mike and I could agree on and since it isn't either of our first choice, it took some time to decide it was "the" name. It is unique enough for Mike and not too out there for me so Ryder it is. Patrick is my dad's name which I had my heart set on and Martin is Mike's biological father's last name and he is officially changing his last name to it (paperwork started). So our little bean has a name! His initials are RPM which Mike think is the coolest thing ever. I'm happy he is happy about the name we chose for his son. And relieved to have that off our to do list.
We are getting lots of things checked off that list and I'm starting to really love this pregnancy. The beginning was such a shock - I wanted this so much but couldn't believe it was actually real. It didn't seem real for a long time. There was one night where I woke up at 3am so convinced I had dreamt the whole thing that I took another pregnancy test, just to be sure. And the entire time I was terrified that something would happen and we'd lose our little miracle. It took months to really sink in. Then, once I was able to accept it was really happening the panic set in. I was worried about EVERYTHING. Money, my health, the baby's health, money, how I'd be able to still work, all the things to do before he came, money, giving birth, not being married, money, and just about everything else you can worry about when you realize your whole life is about to permanently change. Not to mention how crappy I felt during the first trimester, how tired I was with the iron deficiency and the crazy hours I work. Luckily Mike is amazing; he was my rock, he talked me off the ledge all the time. He stepped up and really started to show how seriously he took becoming a father and how much the baby and I meant to him. And our families collectively stepped up to provide us with all the big things we needed - nursery, car seat, stroller, etc. Now I'm at a point where I know this is really happening and we're very prepared for this little man to join our lives. I'm starting to enjoy the process of getting our home ready for his arrival. I dream about him all the time and whether I'm dreaming about giving birth or dreaming that he is here already, I'm always calm and happy. I wake up sort of disappointed that he isn't here yet. I can't wait to meet him!
Sometimes though, I'm still not mentally pregnant. I try to run around at work and do everything I normally do. I try working my same hours, running around the building on game days, taking the stairs, and generally acting like I'm not 8 months pregnant. Everyone is constantly trying to do things for me and normally I would be insulted but I'm starting to realize it is ok to accept their help. I am still me - a strong, stubborn, independent woman. Accepting help from people or admitting I even need the help doesn't change that. It is strange to let people do things for me, or even just help me out, but I am slowly coming around.
And I'm learning to trust Mike and depend on him in a way that I never thought I could depend on someone. Each failed relationship made me feel like I needed to be tough and not depend on anyone but me so that I couldn't be hurt or disappointed ever again. But the dynamic of our relationship has changed. I can tell Mike likes that I'm becoming "softer" and more lovey. And despite the fact I've been fighting against it, I'm actually starting to like being able to rely on him and letting him take care of me. Again, I pride myself on being strong and independent; I worked very hard to get where I am in life and to know that I could do it all on my own but it is so much nicer having a partner in life who is there when I need someone to share the load with. Mike is such an incredibly guy, I can't even put into words how much he's come to mean to me or how much I appreciate having him in my life. I can't imagine my life without him and I never imagined that I'd feel this way about someone - truly head over heels in love. I'm even excited at the thought of us getting married one day and I very much want to spend my life with him. I couldn't have a better man to start a family with. I am a very luck girl!
So that's enough rambling for now... hopefully it won't be weeks before I have a chance to sit and write again.
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