I guess I don't really hate baby showers after all

The last few months have taught me a lot. I've learned a lot from books and research about being pregnant, giving birth, and raising children. I've learned that it is okay to lean on Mike when I need to, that I don't always have to be strong and stubborn. I've learned not to stress over the little things and while there is a lot that I worry about, in some ways I've gotten a lot more relaxed and laid back. I've gotten really good at peeing in a cup. But the biggest thing I think I've learned is that I have a serious jealousy issue. I've always known this but am now realizing the extent of the effect it has on me.

Sure, we all want things others have. I can't remember a time when I didn't envy those around me. Growing up it was people who had their own rooms, or pets, or brothers who weren't as difficult to live with as mine. In middle school I wanted parents who weren't as strict as mine. In high school it was people who had their own cars. As I get older the things I covet change.  But I've always sort of prided myself on my ability to turn jealousy and envy into motivation. I've been able to go out and get the a lot of the things I wanted through hard work and determination. But there are always going to be things that you can't control - wanting a different body, a relationship like that couple you know, a good job in a different field than what you studied. Or having baby.

My whole life I have always wanted kids. I've known since I was old enough to play with dolls that I've wanted to be a mother. I started nannying and babysitting at 10 and had "my kids" who I loved as if they were my own. I was a camp counselor. If I was anywhere where there were kids, I was the one playing with them or taking care of them. Apparently even in pre-school I was known as the little mother hen. Finding out as a teenager that I may have difficulty becoming pregnant was tough to take. At 21 I had surgery on my ovary and was told I probably wouldn't get pregnant which was devastating. I can actually pinpoint when my mindset started shifting towards "I'm never going to be a mom". I was hopeful at first that the doctors were wrong but the older I got and the more I had ovary issues the more I mentally blocked my maternal instinct. As friends starting having babies I found myself becoming more distant.

I would tell myself that I was making a choice to live a certain lifestyle that didn't involve kids. That I was lucky because I could work my dream job and travel and be as selfish as I wanted because it was just me. That I would be a great aunt and have pets instead of kids. Or that maybe one day I'd adopt but not until I got as much out of childless life as I could. I told myself that I hated baby showers. I still loved kids and babies but I purposely kept a distance so that I wouldn't love or attach to them the way I had "my kids" back in my nannying days. I tried to convince myself that maybe I wasn't really that maternal after all.

Being pregnant has made me realize that I really really wanted this. That as much as I was happy for my friend with kids and that I truly did love their babies, that I was putting up walls and creating distance so I wouldn't have to think about how jealous I was that they had babies and I couldn't. That baby showers weren't torture because they were dumb and boring but because I so badly wanted that for myself and didn't think it would ever happen. That it wasn't really my choice to be childless but that I was in denial about how much it upset me to accept not having a child. That I wanted to be a really great aunt to my friends' babies but that I used living far away and working crazy hours as excuses for not really being involved in their lives - that in reality I was just too jealous and didn't want to face my own anger and sadness at not having my own babies. I would dream about babies and wake up upset but I would tell myself it was anxiety and stress rather than admit it was because I so wanted that dream to come true.

I spent so many years convincing myself that I was fine with not being able to get pregnant that when it actually happened I couldn't accept it right away. I was convinced it wasn't true or that it wouldn't last or that something would go wrong. I was terrified that if I was too happy about it that it would go away. I was worried that I wouldn't be a good mother because I had suppressed those instincts for so long. It took me months to wrap my head around the fact that this was actually happening to me and get over my fears. Only in the last few months have I been able to let myself be truly happy about my pregnancy and the upcoming birth of my son. I dream about him all the time now and wake up so happy and excited to meet him. I think back to my friends' pregnancies and realize that I wasn't a very good friend to them during those times, not because I lived far away or was too busy but because I was avoiding dealing with my own jealousy and pain. 

It's amazing how clear this all is to me now when for years I really thought I was making a choice . I know now that it was a defense mechanism. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head and it all makes sense.  I still have to tell myself sometimes that yes, this is really happening and that it is okay to be happy about it and celebrate it. I am trying not to take a moment of this experience for granted because I never thought I would actually get to experience it and who knows if I will able to again. I love this little boy fiercely and am thankful every single day for him. I've worked so hard to reach other goals in my life or make other dreams come true and I still can't believe that now this one, the one I had no control over, is coming true too.  And I can't wait for my baby shower.