This child has highjacked not just my body but my brain as well - I've turned into a crazy person with an overactive imagination! Some of it may be the hormones but a lot of it is that my carefree, I only have to worry about me life is over and now I am responsible for a whole other person. I've gone from someone rational and logical to a worry-wort nutcase and apparently this will now last for the rest of my life.
I've known many pregnant people in my life and I've heard them all say or do things that made me shake my head at the time. I knew that they were being weird/crazy/silly and that when(if) I was every lucky enough to get pregnant I would be much more calm and normal. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Yeah right. I am now guilty of being that weird/crazy/silly nutty pregnant chick.
From the minute I found out we were pregnant I've been constantly worried about something. I was worried about all the things I had done before I knew I was pregnant that you aren't supposed to do. I was worried about how people would react when they found I was pregnant. I was worried about gaining weight. I was worried about how I was going to survive the next 7 months of my life without wrecking this poor little baby growing inside me. The more I learned about being pregnant the more I worried about things. The list of pregnancy dos and don'ts is overwhelming enough to drive anyone crazy but add google (instant access to all the most horrible things that could ever happen) and an imagination and you've got an instant crazy person.
For example, I know I can't go in hot tubs and need to take warm baths, not hot ones, to avoid raising my body temp. I know I can only use heating pads for short periods of time. So when I started having back and hip pains I was very careful to only use my heating pad for 10 minutes at a time with breaks in between. I thought I was doing everything right. The next day I didn't really feel the baby move that much and I became convinced I had cooked him. CONVINCED. Close to hysterical actually. Now, I know that this was not actually possible. Not only was I super careful and followed all the rules but logically, you' can't cook a human with 10 minutes exposure to heating pad. But knowing all that didn't matter because I just knew I had cooked my poor little bean and prayed to feel him start moving around so I'd know he was ok. I can laugh about this now but the fear was very very real and upsetting.
This is just one instance of an overwhelming and totally illogical fear that I have experienced. I'm a worrier by nature anyway so this has not been fun for me. It is so nice to have friends who've BTDT who I can go to when I'm freaking out and be assured I'm not only worried over nothing but that I'm not crazy for being worried. I try really hard to avoid google so that I don't accidentally stumble upon some new thing to fret over. And there is the little voice in the back of my mind telling me that some things are worth worrying about.
Lately I've been really really tired. Like, when I had mono in college tired. I work and sleep, this is what my life has become. I spend one full day each weekend doing nothing but sleeping and catching up with my dvr because that is literally all I can manage after a 50+ hour week. This could potentially be normal pregnancy tiredness. Then my hands started going numb. If I'm laying down reading a book or messing around on my phone (basically anything where my hands are elevated) they go completely numb. I'm guessing this is due to my low blood pressure but still probably not that normal. Then I started losing hair. I've always shed a lot but we're talking handfuls. I thought maybe it was in my head but when I got my hair cut last week my stylist said she's never seen my lose so much hair when she shampooed me and that after 5 years of doing my hair she can tell it is thinning, that I've lost a lot, and that she is concerned. This is most definitely NOT normal. In fact, losing hair is so not what is supposed to happen when you're pregnant that everything I found via google was basically like "something is very wrong if you are losing hair". Now, I'm going to guess this is all diet related most likely some sort of iron deficiency. But it could be my thyroid. I could need a blood transfusion. I could be dying of some rare disease. (I know, I know, dramatic...) Whatever it is, it isn't good and I have something to genuinely worry about.
Luckily I have a doctors appointment this week so we can figure out what the problem is and fix it. Ironically enough it is my diabetes testing and given my ovary issues and pre-dispostion to diabetes, I'm pretty sure I have gestational diabetes and am not worried about that at all. I told you, I'm no longer logical and rational...
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